h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Paddy and Seamus were flying to the USA in a jumbo jet when an hour into the flight they heard this message: beep beep "this is your captain speaking we have just lost one of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly us to America on only three engines but we will be delayed for 20 minutes"
An hour later they heard beep beep "this is your captain speaking, another one of the engines have cut out. Do not be alarmed because this plane is fully equipped to fly to America on only two engines but it means we will be delayed a further hour"
This was fine with Paddy and Seamus and they went to sleep.
An hour later they were awakened by beep beep "this is your captain speaking we have lost the third of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly to America on only one engine though our total delay time will be 3 hours 30 minutes"
Paddy then turned to Seamus and said "I hope the other one doesn't go or we'll be up here all night!"

Paddy and Murphy were sitting in a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. All of a sudden, they found a oil lamp floating next to them. Paddy said "Maybe if you rub it hard enough a genie will appear!" and sure enough a genie appeared.
The genie said "You have one wish!".
So Murphy said "I wish that all the sea was turned to beer!" and then in a flash, the whole of the sea turned to beer and the genie had gone.
A while later, all that could be heard was the lapping of beer. Then Paddy said "Nice one Murphy!".
"What?" said Murphy.
Paddy replied: "Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

A Weegie Burd goes to the social to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and ....eh...Alec"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"

Hapi and thanks for keeping the thread going
Smudger,

Quick one while I ma here......

Two eggs in a pan,
One says to the other,
Cor it ain't half hot in here,
The other says, wait till you get out...they smash your head in!

Smudger,

These are supposed to be actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ... I think some may be repeats .........

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

*************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm piggin' bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was piggin' bored, not piggin' stupid!"

****************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***********************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

***********************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

***********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
>
**********
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."

********
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
>
******

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

--------------

Smudger,

Some laugh out loud ones there, Smudger

An Irish man was in a sauna with a bloke from the USA and another from Japan,

The Japanese blokes left arm bleeps- he pressed it off, and explains to the others that he has a pager chip inserted in his arm,

A minute later, the American blokes right hand rings- he answers it, speaks for a while and then presses it off, he explains that he has had a phone inserted into his hand,

So the Irishman goes to the toilet, and comes back with some toilet paper hanging from his bum,--Be Jesus he says, would you look at that, I have just had a fax
Smudger,

The Bathtub Test -



It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."



"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.


"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Smudger,

Married Guys

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or sex?', I ask.

She says, 'Wear your sweater:
Smudger,

Smart answers

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles, Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Smudger,

One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch
made, grabs some beer, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his
boat to the truck and head down the road. Coming out of garage rain is
pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with
the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the
garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He
finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in
the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There, he cuddles up
to his wife's back, now with different anticipation, and whispers, "The
weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing?"
Smudger,.

Woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now according to you I'm short and fat and ugly!"

Smudger,

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Downing Street.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.


"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the
prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "I see what you get for five quid!"

Smudger,

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.''

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.''

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to the astronaut...''

At this the astronaut shouted ''I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.''
PS. Am I on my tod here?
Smudger,

No, you aren't, however I only read 'em and as I cannot for the life of me remember and retell jokes. I think it's a girl thing.

However, you once invited me to come and look at this thread in order to stay and if that's OK I will stick around and do that whenever you or one of your other contributors have time to post a joke

Jules

Of course you are welcome on htis thread Jules any time you feel like a just pop in

Here is another.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.


Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Smudger,

Dr. Check Up

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." " Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . . he's a golfer too." "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?
Smudger,

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said

"Wedding Cake."
Smudger,

One Sunday Morning in Church .....
A few minutes before the service started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the Devil appeared at the front of the Church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So, Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope"

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

--------------

Smudger,

Just found this thread and spent a wonderful few moments creased up in laughter... Thanks Smudger!


Here's an old one for you...


The Persian Gulf, in harbour, a US carrier, a French warship and a RN warship, one evening the three admirals are sat around drinking G+Ts and discussing which country produces the most courageous servicemen...


The American admiral turns round and says - of course, the bravest of the brave are the US Marines. Just watch this...

He turns round and addresses a 6'4, muscular Marine guard...
"Climb up onto that crane and jump off it into the water", pointing to a 150 foot high crane on the dockside.
Without a moments hesitation, the Marine salutes, strips off his shirt, doubles away to the crane, climbs up and does a perfect double back somersault into the water... Several minutes later he's fished out, half drowned and stunned.
"Now that's courage!" says the American.

"That's nothing", says the French Admiral. He turns to a French sailor standing nearby and says, "You there! Climb up the side of the funnel and jump off onto the flight deck."
The French sailor turns white, salutes, marches away and several minutes later is carried away from the flight deck on a stretcher.
"Now that's courage", says the Frenchman.

The British Admiral shakes his head... turns to a scrawny, five foot two Glaswegian steward who's been serving them drinks all evening and says, "You there, I want you to climb up the main mast and jump head first down the funnel."
The steward turns bright red... turns to the Admiral, shaking with anger and says "With all due respect sir - You can right off!" and pours a drink over the Admiral's head.

The British Admiral turns, dripping wet, to his colleagues with a broad smile on his face and says...

'Now THAT's real courage'