h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Boy this is hard work, trying to get this jokes page going.
OK, then, try this lot from the TV Program= FAMILY FORTUNES


1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater



Smudger,

OK then, two days and no more jokes, so to keep you going try this one

MAMA'S GIFTS

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. "She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Smudger,

Just thought I would add this one in,........to keep things going.


Three bears....
> A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
> looks
> into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
> squeaks.
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
> into
> his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he
> roars.
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
> yells, For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with
> you
> idiots?
>
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
> It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
> It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
> It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
> everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning
> air
> to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn
> table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter
> boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
>
> And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
> grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
> only going to say this once...
>
> I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****** PORRIDGE YET!!!
>
Smudger,

Right then...........how about this,

A bus load of American tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!
Smudger,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Or try this wee poem, which I think is very apt for us oldies

An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
Smudger,

OK then, still no more entries, so try this one
I only hope its allowed? As I think its great!

--------------------------------------------
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar

stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The
bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



Smudger,

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

A man went to the Holy Land on holiday with his wife and mother-in-law and his mother-in-law died so he began to make the arrangements to bury her and he was told that to bury her would cost $250 but to have her buried at home would cost $5000.
So he thought for a moment and then decided that she should be buried at home. So the undertaker said why would you spend $5000 on having her buried at home when you could have it done here for $150?

The man said that he wasn't prepared to take the risk as he had heard that a guy had been buried in the Holy Land and three days later had risen from the dead!!

A couple was celebrating their GOLDEN wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. Everyone said: "What a peaceful & loving couple. A local newspaper reporter asked them about the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon on horseback.

We hadn't gone very far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

A little further on and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said: 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone much more than half-mile further when the horse stumbled for a third time.

My wife dismounted, took out a Colt 45 from her bag and shot the horse between the eyes.

I started to make an angry protest over the way she had killed the horse. She looked at me, and said gently; 'That's once'.

And we lived happily ever after.

Rule for Nervous Fliers

1. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
2. Remember that takeoffs are optional. However, landing is mandatory.
3. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. Very few people die whilst flying. It is incredibly safe. Crashing, however is seriously dangerous.
6. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
7. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide in clouds.
9. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and there is panic and confusion amongst the other passengers, things are not at all as they should be.
10. Never fly in helicopters. They can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


**********
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

**********
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


**********
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***********
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


*************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"


***********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


**************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


*************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

words..

1.Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3.Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5.Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these like, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.Glibido: All talk and no action.

14.Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15.Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @$$hole

Hey! Thanks for all them Hapi, they are great!

That should get this thread jumping
I hope this one is OK, as I think its funny!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."



Smudger,

A penguin was driving through Arizona. It's a long desolate road in the middle of the scorching desert. Suddenly there is a loud bang, then a hiss and smoke comes pouring out of the engine. Fortunatly he has just enough momentum to allow him to pull into a small garage. The penguin jumps out of the car and walks over to the mechanic. The penguin explains the problem. The mechanic say that he will have a look but he can't for the next 15-20 minutes. The penguin, being from cooler climates is hot and so asks the mechanic if he can cool down somewhere. The mechanic points over to a small cafe in the corner of the yard. The penguin walks into the cafe and sits down. He decides on a big bowl of very nice and cold vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately his little flippers can't hold the spoon so he resorts to scooping the ice cream into his beak using his flippers. The ice cream is going everywhere, on the table, all over his face, down his front...... The penguin finishes his ice cream and decides to check on his car. The penguin pays and leave the cafe. As he approaches the mechanic, the mechanic says: "Looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin says "No, it's ice cream".

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all
with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner
calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart
failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the
Coroner.

Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand
pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual
one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck
by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the
Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken."

Smudger,

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Smudger,

A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle and picks it up.
A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."
The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."
The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with... you know, what makes them tick?"
The genie thinks a second, and says, "Would that road be two lanes or four?"

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch
office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the
car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off
the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the
Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the
police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions,
the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful
midnight blue Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel
beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs Lee the
Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in horror ."ING HELL !" he
screams........ "Where's my Rolex??..."

Smudger,

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "Its square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Smudger,

For I am a Princess...

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if
you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

"Tray-up, Bitch."

Smudger,