h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid ..joke..??:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear," said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband. "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed.

Cheers Hapi

A guy walking along the beach in California finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie thinks for a while, shakes his head, and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that, there's just too much work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed - and as it's such a huge span, there would have to be filling stations and rest stops along the way. No, sorry, that's just too much to ask. It's too difficult - impossible; think of something else."

The guy says, "OK then , there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with ...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then says, "This road to Hawaii you want two lanes or four"
Smudger,

I'm also still here, Smudger, getting my happiness fix from your thread

I don't post a lot because I'm one of those who can't really tell (or even remember) jokes myself.

Jules

Thanks JulesK

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Cheers, Smudger,

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to

the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant


Smudger

geography? ok.. this one is a bit outdated:

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa,
half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America,
well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India,
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France,
Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia,
lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia,
very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia,
with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan,
Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like North Korea, ruled by a Dick.

Goodun Hapi


Form Answers

The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports.
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.
The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope.
Always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

--------------
Smudger,

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal ...
... and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Smudger,

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his frigging widow."



Smudger,

Subject: lawyer


A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.






But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.





After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.




"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."


"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"


"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"


"MY ROLEX!"
Smudger,

Oh yes

Fishing:

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you
doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's very likely she can also think.
Smudger,

Oh I like this one, Thanks, Smudger

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then
asked... "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."
Smudger,

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look
at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a
question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix I'm, put 'em
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such
a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Smudger,

Geez, this is hard work keeping this thread going......

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window,
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ...Sister Barbara" on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the
window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and
a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting
on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a
word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming, Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
Smudger,

Here we go again! almost lost this thread from the page

How about this one.......

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has
just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but
the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I
said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered
him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One
woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby
that weighed 15 pounds at birth,aren't you? Everybody's been makin'
bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So...
How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and
concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says, "Had him circumcised "

--------------
Smudger,

.. mm.. could I bring in a few golden oldies?

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.
The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."