h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

.. sorry JulesK ..



A Real Bargain

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've
got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an
inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been
certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right
out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever
brain you'd like. The man's brain costs #30,000 and the woman's brain
costs #100,000".

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference
between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The male
brain is used."

Ho ho

Subject: What Kids Think

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
When a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5 year old son say, Mum! That lady was not wearing a seat belt!



HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he had
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to
my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said
with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then,
'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child
said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to
talk to you right now. She is hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room... When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
Ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What is the matter haven't you ever seen
a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
Rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
Walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found
Her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
Whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit."

"And why not, darling?"
The little girl replied "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
Robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what
I found", the boy called out." "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear!"

Smudger,

OK Then, while I wait for some one else to post one, try this.....

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
Smudger,

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said,



"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Subject: wal-mart


An "extremely" unattractive, mean-acting, rude woman walks into Wal-Mart
with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "No Jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one,
she's 7. "Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe you got laid twice."
Smudger.

Groaner!

Hey Smudger- thought I'd stop for a laugh, say hello since it has been too long! Write an email if you are up for it - catch me up

Will do Abbi, just got back from the Royal Yacht do, and it was great!
I will tell you all about it in my Email soon
Smudger PS. Hope the jokes cheered you up!

This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken
That she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat! A few minutes later, she found her own car
Parked of ur or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!


Smudger,

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question No 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
Smudger,

A Golfing One.


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Smudger,

Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Glad you liked it Abbi, here is another one..........



Women's Lib International Conference.The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."(The crowd cheered).The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well.(The crowd again cheered)The third speaker, an Australian Aboriginal lady, stood up and said,"Afta lass year's conference, I wen ome and dold dat lazy usband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).She continued......................................."Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da firdday, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
Cheers, Smudger

Why am I married?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead.
----------------------------------------------------------
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
---------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.
----------------------------------------------------
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
-------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
-----------------------------------------------------
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in
every country, son."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and by then, it was too late."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say -- talk in your sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Smudger,

Three special forces men were on joint ops in the desert when their Land Rover breaks down miles from anywhere."Okay, chaps" says the British SAS officer. "I propose that we abandon the vehicle and continue on foot. Apart from our emergency supplies, we should each salvage one thing from the vehicle to take with us to help us on our journey - I will take the rear-view mirror, as we can use that to reflect the sun's light and signal our position during the day to friendly aircraft".The Australian SAS trooper thinks for a moment and then says: "As you know, it gets very cold during the night in the desert - I'll take the battery, because with a bit of wire across the terminals we can make a spark and start a fire to keep warm".The Irish SAS man gets up and starts unbolting the passenger door. "Why are you doing that, Paddy?", they ask."Well", he says, "I'll carry the door, and if it gets too hot in the afternoon, we can wind the window down".

Smudger,

A Squaddie was deployed to Bosnia. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys since he had left, she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him. So the squaddie did what any sensible man would do. He went around to his mates and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

Smudger,

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing ho
me . About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled
out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts
and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at
him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to
jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,
"You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?"

The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and
grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we
were at your birthday party yesterday."

Smudger,

Wishful thinking?

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"."Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.""Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"."I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, no more yacht club and definitely no more keeping up with the Jones's. But the decision is yours."Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm."Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife."That's his mistress," says her husband."Ours is prettier," she replied
Smudger,

Blonde going to Houston...

A plane is on it's way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and
moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches
her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she
paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde
replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying
right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy
and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The
blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm
staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a
blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
Sorry " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss. "I told her, First Class isn't going to
Houston."
Smudger,

Some 911 Calls...........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
-------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven
on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
===========================================================

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.....I
think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.!
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

--------------------------------------------------
Smudger,