h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hers is a few to keep you amused.............

Some old some new, some funny in the following.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,

"Take the poison."


Smudger,

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.



A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.



Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.



Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers, and then there are educators
Smudger,

They walk among us


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid
of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and
hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want
it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day
someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among
Us!
====================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???"
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
estate agent which direction was north because, he
explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and
said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
center. One day I got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,
Pacific".
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative
assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend
drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets
trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big
party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter
which way the head is turned.
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now,"
she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone
and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
====================
Yep, they walk among us!

Smudger,

Subject: accident?


A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road.

Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to
hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on
the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the
priest, "Where are you going, Father?." "I'm going to the church 5 miles
down the road!," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively ! he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so
at the last second he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a
loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay my son," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Smudger,

John was working in Boots but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the manager, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened."He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained."Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily."Oh, but I think you’ll find that it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost, "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."

Smudger,

Hi dear Smudger,

thank you for the jokes. I love your sense of humour. Thatis why when I saw there was something of yours I decided to read it. I wish I could tell jokes.

Keep well

AR1

Hi AR1, Many thanks for that, but actually I copy & paste a lot of them from that ex service site I use
Mind you, they are not all clean ones (as you can imagine) so I have to be careful
Anyway, I am glad your enjoying them, and I feel good when I get a feed back like that, as its nice to have a laugh these days, what with all the bad news we are surrounded with these days
Smudger,

Two elderly women were sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my bum fell asleep."The other woman turned to her and said, "I know, I heard it snoring."
Smudger,

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Smudger,

A blonde wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me? "The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house? "He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? "The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately". A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

Smudger,

Oh dear (crying with laughter)

You really have got a wonderful fund of jokes!.

AR1

Glad you are enjoying them AR1 Its just a thread to cheer us all up what with all the depressing news we see on our TVs these days. Feel free to add any that you know, and that goes for everybody who has a look in
Smudger,

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her holiday sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs, "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.""What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.""Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight
Smudger,

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and
he wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other "Look Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
Smudger,

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife. She says, "Well what was that for?" He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!" She doesn't reply and they start rocking again. All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband. He says, "Well what was that for?" She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

Smudger,

Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear!

I laughed until I cried. !

Silly woman! One is always under suveillance even if one is sunbathing nude on the roof of the Hilton!
AR1

Oh! my goodness, holding my sides!!.

That leared him!!

Very clever response of the wife!

AR1

A burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house.

He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal."I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.The burglar froze in his tracks."I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice.

All he saw was a parrot on its perch."I see you and Jesus sees you."The burglar laughed."Just a dumb bird," he said.The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pinscher sitting beneath the parrot's perch."Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.
Smudger,

Oh, Dear Smudger,

Thanks for the laughs! I haven't dropped in for a while (too busy) but as I have been feeling down for a couple of days (no particular reason, just under the weather) I though I would drop in.

Post 142 and the girls and the lipsticks really made me laugh out loud. Have to be careful as there are two teenage girls sleeping in the room next to where I use the computer!

I have a big file of 'Funnies'. I shall have to dig around and see what I can find. How do you manage not to repeat jokes on this thread there are so many?

Off to read some more before I sign off.

Hi, A1, glad you are enjoying them too.



Websailor

Hi WS, I have to go back and have a look in case I have posted the same one before I do, mind you, I will probably lose track at some time
I am only too happy to keep posting them, as its a break from all the depressing news these days
If you find your jokes, stick them up on here by all means, the more the merrier
Sorry to hear your a bit below par, feel that way myself really, Ah! well, I had better go see if I can find another joke somewhere
Smudger,