h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for
Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject
in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect
whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears
to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You
wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must
confess I don't know much about history."
Smudger.

Smudger, that one came up on your thread quite recently, but I still find it funny! I can't keep up either

Thanks,

Websailor

OOps WS, yes it is hard to remember which ones I have posted already,...I must pay more attention, I must pay mor......
Smudger.

just that makes a good joke

Don't worry Smudger, I only remembered it because I swiped it to send to a friend!

Right, now write 100 times - I must pay more attention...!!!!!

Other people will pick it up that haven't seen the earlier parts of your thread. I have tried wading back through it for your 'gems' but I just don't get that much time.

I am sure your thread cheers a lot of people up, I know it does me and mine.



Websailor

cheers me up when I'm down

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying ard! You've been playing golf!'

OMG

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it", he says, Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
Smudger.

did that one a bit ago your getting to be like them

I saw this bloke in the street yesterday he told me he could drink 3 litres of brake fluid a day, I said you're an addict,you need help.
He said no I can stop when i like!
Smudger.

At the risk of joining you and those I am posting this. It may have been posted already but it is still a good laugh:

A lady physiotherapist was playing golf. She teed off with a hefty shot.
Seconds later she heard someone cry out in pain.She hurried down the fairway and spotted a man with his hands in his groin, rolling in pain. She apologised and explained that she might be able to give him a massage to ease the pain.

He nodded. She spent ten minutes massaging his groin, then noticed a smile on his face. "Did you get any relief from that?" He replied "Yes, but my thumb is still throbbing like hell".

WS

havn't heard that one yet but here is another hopefully new one


so a boy was at the lunch break table with his friend

friend:so did you know that all adults have a deep dark secret?
boy:no
friend:ok well you can blackmail all adults just by telling them you know about everything

the boy went home and tried it on his mom

boy:Mom I know about everything


a worried look crept across her face

Mom:here is 20 dollars don't tell your Dad

the boy pleased with himself waited for his dad to come home from work and when he walked in the door

boy:I know all about everything

the same look except doubled crept across his Dad's face and he looked around like he was making sure there wasn't someone over there somewhere with a sniper rifle pointed at him

Dad:here is 40 dollars just don't tell your Mom

the boy even more pleased with himself saw the mailman coming down the street so he went out to meet him at the mail box and when he cam near

boy:I know all about it all

mailman:come here and give your father a big hug!

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the
final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she
would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket
only the $32,000 milestone money.


And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of
other birds? Is it A) the condor; B)the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or (D) the vulture?"


The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline
and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ...
her friend was, well ...blonde.


She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
question and the four choices. The blonde responded hesitatingly:
"That's easy.The answer is C: The cuckoo."


The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except
the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her
friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.


On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.


"I need an answer," said Regis.


Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."


"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.


"Yes, that is my final answer."


Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ....
absolutely correct!!


You are now a millionaire!"


Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.


"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the
contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"


"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks!
Smudger.

MARRIED LIFE






One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.


He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!

wasn't see upset

Right then, here is some short ones that will keep you reading for some time=

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly:Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter:What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. .
Contestant: Er . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter:In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell:How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . .
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . .
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh:Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter:How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen:In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler:
I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . .. er . . . three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson:What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO) Steve Penk:What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

THE VAULT
Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant: Kentish Town?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson:Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT:In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen:Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgic.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles:Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

Smudger.







_________________

that's a big one Have to come back later for that

Got your new email addy. Thanks very much.



Websailor

too many

Ah! Josh, its not one long one? Its a list of small ones
Smudger.