h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

the thing is 50 people die worldwide from thinking it was just a headache when it was actualy deadly

ok here is somthing true and sorta funny

ok so me and my dad were talking about how my 16yr old sister needs car insurence

me:why do you need it? isn't it your problem if your car is wrecked why is it against the law to not have it

dad:well if the crash is your fault you have to pay the other person in the crash

me:...

dad:well you could never pay thier medical bill out of your pocket

me:why not

dad:well it's to expensive just the ambulence ride costs $700 and what do you think they need with all of that money

me:ummm

dad:gas money? other things that need reefilling for the ambulence no

me:then what:

dad:they need to pay for insurence so that they can pay for the expenive stuff that they charge us so much for





as you can see it's a constant loop they charge more so they can pay for insurence and insurence charges more so you can pay them for what they do which keeps making insurence more and more expensive

Hope this one is not removed ......

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, in October 1995.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.


Smudger.

sound like us

Heard that before so I doubt it will get removed, Smudger. The USA may control our government but they'll never take our Beeb!

i don't see what's wrong with the joke and i'm American

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:"Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What the do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, RyanAir!"

Smudger.

...

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The vicar told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.

When the vicar ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the vicar inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened?

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

Then she bent over to pick it up. I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the vicar.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome in B&Q either

Smudger.

Strange Church though

Here is a political one......

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

Smudger.

That one I am sending on to people

omgoodness that 1 is so true although that 1 church is odd ...

Hi, Jules, me too especially today here in the UK!!

Websailor

*Awaits ing

A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband stood with a fly swat.
What are you doing she asks.
Killing fly`s he replies.
Have you got any.
Yes, he says 3 men and 2 women.
How do you know what sex they were.
Easy,3 were on a beer can and 2 on the phone!

Smudger.

1) NUDITY


I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I
was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."


4) MORE NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?"

Smudger.

No can do

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."



The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."



The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honour and glorify me."


The biker thought about it for a long time
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my girlfriend.
. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing
is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Smudger.

*continued*

biker:-_- four lanes