h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their
lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying Mike visits him every day. On
one of the visits Mike says,

"Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday
football together for many years. Please do me a favour. When you get
to Heaven, you must let me know if there's football up there."

Joe looks up from his death bed and says, "Mike, you've been my best
friend for many years. If it's at all possible I'll do this for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound
sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him,"

Mike--Mike." The voice cried.

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly.

The voice said--"It's me, Joe."

"You can't be Joe, he just died."

"I'm telling you the truth, it's me Joe," insists the voice."

Mike said, "Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.

"The good news," Joe said," is that there's football in heaven. Better
yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And
best of all, we can play football all we want and never get tired."

" hell," said Mike. "That''s beyond my wildest dreams! But
what's the bad news?








(go down further)








Joe said......"You're playing on Tuesday."
Smudger.

Hello! Hello! is there anyone here I thought I was in here on my tod
Anyway, no joke for just now, just a comment about my latest Snippet in and how its so similar to the recent events in the R.N, in the Gulf (where the Snippet was written about)

I am not going to comment on that, as it would probably be cut out anyway
Smudger.

Hi, Smudger, I'm here

Read your Snippet in . I wonder if the current crop of soldiers and sailors are as well equpped as you were?! Sounds about right doesn't it?

Apologies if these have appeared before.


LIVING WILL INFORMATION

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.


WOMEN KNOWING THEIR PLACES

A point of view...

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation said, "Land Mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

Websailor

hahaha that says more that the wives were scard and the husbands wern't with the land mines although i liked the 1st 1 alot

Ah! a couple of Gooduns there WS

Smudger.

Two friends meet on the street.

"Hello!" says one. "Where are you coming from?"

"From the cemetery," the other replies. "I've just buried my mother-in-law."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," commiserates his friend. "But why is your face all scratched?"

"Well, it wasn't easy," answers the other. "She put up a helluva fight."


Smudger.

Some updated Murphy's law:-

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.



Smudger.

i liked 5 the best

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I
won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked
up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Smudger.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the
end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived
for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the
husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

Smudger.

he dosn't want to deal with her again

Well done, Smudger

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's p**ing in the fridge again!"

Smudger.

Brilliant.By the way you dont know me but Josh does.

You should read his other jokes

Ive been lurking for a few days.

they are all funny

Yep.