h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A muffin said to another muffin

Muffin1:whoa is it hot in here or what?

muffin2:HOLY A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
£9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Smudger.

lol

lol 3rd time you used that one but finding so many jokes must still be hard

I must have lost track Josh Its finding ones that are OK to put on here that's the problem

OK here is another..........

A traffic cop stops a car that was exceeding the speed limit and asks the driver for his licence.
"I'm pleased you've stopped me" says the man.
"If you look in the glove compartment there's a gun. I've killed my wife and her body is in the boot. I've taken a drug overdose and should be dead in an hour."

The policeman immediately calls for assistance and in a short while a helicopter, cars and paramedics are on the scene.
They check the glove compartment and the boot and find them both empty. The paramedics check him and find he has not taken any drugs. The negotiator asks the driver what's going on.
"I'm as puzzled as you" says the man.
"That traffic cop will be saying I was speeding next."

Smudger.

and yah finding "appropriate" ones might be a problem

There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is brunette and they
inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town
to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into
the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
Sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her
to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister
one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I
want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the
word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word.
She'll read it very slowly .. com-for-da-bul" !!!

Smudger.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin
when she met up with Father Flaherty.


The Father said, "Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye
Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied," Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones
yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."


She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father"

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye
these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones
yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4
singles,
10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving
hoosband doing?"


She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer ing
candle

Smudger.

Sportsman's Double



I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay
for a
57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly and she asked if I'd
ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

Smudger.

Ethel In The Nursing Home

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped outwith his arm outstretched.
"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Smudger.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep " . --- None of us could get the jar open"..

Smudger.

Smudger, I have seen this one so many times, but it still makes me laugh

It's your birthday tomorrow isn't it? Have a good one with and .

Websailor

Happy birthday Smudger

Ah! cheers for that folks, I really appreciate that

Not a lot of others, including my two (estranged) daughters, remembered?
I have in fact just got back in at 20.00 from being taken out for a lovely meal by Mk2s daughter and her husband
So it seems my (adopted) family think more of me than my own.

Any way, thanks again

Smudger.

These four friends went on vacation together. To save money, they
decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he
snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched
him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I
just watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. "Good morning," He said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good
night. He sat up and watched me all night"

Smudger.

Glad you have a nice meal Smudger.

Families are strange things. The people who should care most often don't, or don't show it. I am glad some people appreciate you as we do my friend.

Take care,

Websailor

Thanks for that WS
Smudger.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the
duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes
into the pub and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would
be just brilliant in your circus,
he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the
duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer?
Smudger.