h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Little beauties the whole lot of them Smudger.

Glad you liked them, its just a wee oasis in this world of gloom and doom
Smudger.

I don't get most of them

Sherlock Holmes was looking around his home and he decided it needed sprucing up a bit. I think Ill start with the front door, so he called in the painters and he decided on a rather stunning shade of yellow.

It was all done, and he was standing outside admiring his new front door when along came Watson

"oh my god Holmes what is that"

.....................

"Its a lemon entry my dear Watson" !!
Smudger.

I feel i should contribute to this thread

I`ll just start with some small ones.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Gooduns there

I went into the train booking office,

I asked the clerk for a return ticket...

Where to?... he asked,

Here of course!...I replied

Smudger.

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay!" and took off like a bat out of hell!

Smudger.

Two 'elderly' gentlemen sitting ,when one turns to the other and says: "Peter, I'm years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Peter says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Smudger.

so so true(I hope not actual )

IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we
don't
have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her handbag, loosened a few bolts and
laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket,
took
a measurement from the base to the top whilst it was on the ground
and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.
She then walked off.

Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde?

We need the height and she gives
us the length."
Smudger.

repeat!!!!!!! but still good

The Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly Asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a Patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her Nurse." After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her Blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and Her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302 & no one here tells me a ing thing!
Smudger.

I like it I like it

Situational Awareness

Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as
your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at
The same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

SCROLL DOWN








Answer: Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're sed!!!!

Disorder in the Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

_

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 18th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

_

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget?Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

_

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

_

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

_

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

_

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

___

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A:No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Smudger.

...man theing is getting repetitive but what else is there to say to a good joke?good joke?

Oh i might pop a few court ones in tommorow.

Hospital chart bloopers
Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated
and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Smudger.