h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Smudger.

Hi Smudger...Here's one from my vast archives of jokes sent to me daily by a friend.........


If God Had Voice Mail

Thank you for calling heaven.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Here's another Smudger...Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

Yea! a couple of Gooduns there
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. They are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone,
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks? "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes an old newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Smudger.

Subject: Never, ever be late!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, ever be late!
Smudger.

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing

hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim

says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she

hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.



Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then

thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women

like that are hard to find."
Smudger.

Hi, Smudger,

Thanks again for some good laughs, and others too. It is a tonic.



Websailor

Hi WS

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

(for those that don't know - the Wairarapa is a region in New Zealand)


A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Smudger.

Here's a couple more Smudger......


An oldish white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £2,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

The jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £4,000' the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!


Voted women's favourite joke of the year
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, wakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's Being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have Learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

You have to laugh

Take care korculablue

oops! I allowed this thread to go off my page

Here are a few more, it might take a while to read though .....

Good Advice, Military Style

* "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
* "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF
* "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
* "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
* "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
* "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
* "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF
* "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan
* "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
* "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
* "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
* "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
* "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
* "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
* "Never trade luck for skill."
* The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh sh*t!"
* "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
* "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
* "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
* "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
* "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
* Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
* "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
* "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
* "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
* "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
* Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
* As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Smudger.

A tramp asks for £2 and the city gent says will you buy booze, no sir says the tramp, well will you gamble it ,no sir says the tramp. Right says the gent well will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble
Smudger.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dustbroom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Smudger.

Two parrots are sitting on the perch in their cage. Their owner is seated nearby reading her newspaper. The headline in the paper is about a bird flu scare. Said one parrot to the other "Watch the expression on her face when I cough."
Smudger.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Smudger.

Right folks, we are off for a weeks break to a cabin that is set up for disabled folk It will be great to get away from that barking dog next door So here is my last joke until then......



It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came to the senior centre from miles
Around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the Front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into
a trance, I intend to Hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique Pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six Generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, Until, suddenly, ----- it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces!!!!

sh*t!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior centre

Smudger.

Well I am back! and it looks like no one missed me or posted up a joke So here goes

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a
building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a
campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work
progressed, however, right up till the week before opening, when a
lightning strike hit the bar, and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the
bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or
indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the
buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork
at the hearing and commented,*"I don't know how I'm going to decide
this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that
believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that
doesn't!"*

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old
girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"
Smudger.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird crap"

"It was my first day with the hook"
Smudger.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson,
"How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
$19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."

Smudger.