h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume

Ball. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he

Writes to a costume company and explains the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief

Will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right

As a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just been very

Politically incorrect by emphasizing his wooden leg, so he writes a very

Rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says,

"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long

Robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really

Look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his

Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head.

He now writes the company an extremely rude letter about being politically

Incorrect.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel

Over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a candied

Apple!"

Smudger

...

Two men out hiking when they came to a disused mine shaft,curios to see how deep it was they threw a pebble down it on hearing no splash they threw a bigger one down,still no splash.So they searched around for something bigger and found a large metal fence and threw that down.As they were looking down the shaft a goat shot between them and dived into the shaft,the two men looked at each other in amazement from the actions of the goat.Suddenly a man appeared and asked them if they had seen a goat to which they told him one had just dived down the pit.No that could not have been mine the man said,I tied mine to a fence!
_________________
Smudger.

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -
Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son...what happened
last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your
mind.You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that
black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mum dragged you to the bedroom and
when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - £249.99
Hot breakfast - £7.50
Red Rose bud - £3.00
Two aspirins - £1.00
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

Smudger.

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

These are all genuine songs, mainly released in the United States (how surprising).

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!
2. I Don't Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
3. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So we're even
5. Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
9. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight,Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's like Having You Here
15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin'On My Back And Cryin' Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass This Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
25. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few!

Smudger.

Great song names over there Smudger, dont think id like to listen to any of them though.

A termite walks into a bar.. and says...

"Where is the bar tender?"

A Polar bear walks in, just after the termite and says " Can I have a ..................................................................................................................................Beer please".

The barman says "Why the large pause?"

Smudger.

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
pool with his cupped hand.

The Scotsman shouts " Awa ya gowk yon's foo O' coos skitter "
(Translation - Don't drink the water you fool it's full of cow s**t.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand
you".

The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in"
Smudger.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.



Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.



"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.



"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.



It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"



The doctor quickly responded, " 5,000 for
a male brain, and 200 for a female brain."



The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to
control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,



"Why is the male brain so much more?"



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because
they've actually been used."

Smudger.

KIDS IN CHURCH







3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







A mother was making pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Smudger.

KIDS...

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby sister.
After a while he asked,
"Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight.
"I love you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY(age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain-killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked,
"How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
Smudger.

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED.

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.


At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.



At 28 -- You don 't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.



At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.



At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!




At 78 -- What story???
What bed???
Who the hell are you???

Smudger.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


It Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Smudger.

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)



A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Smudger.
_________________

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,



.........(.scroll down, please.)...........















.........(keep scrolling, please.)...........















"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

Smudger.

Children's Science exam answers

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers .

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs , and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Smudger.
_________________

Norman's wife and the snowploughs



One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through."Norman's wife goes out and
moves her car.



A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car
again.



The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to14 inches of snow today. You
must park..." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very
upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't
know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"

Smudger.

MURPHY MISSED THESE FOR SOME REASON...


Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
the aisle arrive last.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they
will stop making it.
Smudger.

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe
it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust"
cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Smudger.

Clearly brains are not a requirement for international soccer players.
Here are a few quotes:

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
- David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
- Mark Viduka

'We lost because we didn't win.'
- Ronaldo

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.'
- Neville Southall

'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'
- Ronnie Whelan

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.'
- Ade Akinbiyi

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
- Stuart Pearce

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.'
- David Beckham

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.'
- Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.'
- Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
- Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
- Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
- Stan Collymore

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
- Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
- Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.'
- Jonathan Woodgate

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'
- Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
- Ian Rush

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.'
- Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'
- Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.'
- David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.'
- Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
- Mitchell Thomas

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
- Graeme Le Saux

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
- Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' -
- Johnny Giles

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
- Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'
- Richard Rufus

' There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
- Gary Lineker

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
- Thierry Henry

Smudger. PS. Its quiet in here these days