h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord"
.
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Smudger.

A cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all of his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Dallas that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?"

"Just send $2,500; I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither her talk nor read, so the kid shoots the dog.

When the boy arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing 'round with that little redhead who lives in town?' "

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Smudger.

Good one Smudger!

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says 'Excuse me - can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the
counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 5-kg. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on
sale this week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter, I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, That sounds like a Visa Card' says
the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally breaks wind??

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had f.arted. The salesman rings
up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.' The woman is totally
confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44?
How did you get to $58.50?'




'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
"They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"
_________________
Smudger.

An aircraft was making a short stop-over in Newfoundland before flying on to New York. The captain passing through the first class lounge saw there was only one passenger left on board, a blind chap and his guide dog.
The captain asked if he would like to take a short break outside. The man declined but said the dog could do with a short walk. The pilot took the dog walked him around for a while then brought him back on board. When no passengers re-boarded the pilot checked with control.
They said he had been seen wandering around with the dog and the passengers were now demanding another pilot.
_________________
Smudger.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ‘Polish Remover’
_________________
Smudger.

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using

cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,

rural area of Georgia .





After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's

grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,

John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his

grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"





His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get

them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"



For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned

about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge

that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are

clean?"



Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those

dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I

don't want to hear another word about it!"



Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he

was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let

him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me

get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was

watching on TV, the old man shouted...



"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!"
Smudger.

funny

here a lil somthin to tell all your buddys

Friends are Butt cheaks:

friends are like butts cheaks
they stink
they fart
they try to wear your underwear
they slap together at the worst possible times and
even when crap seperates them they always come back together

all but that last line is mine

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.


"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.


"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"


"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.


"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"


"Yep."


"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.


"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."


"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.


"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Smudger.
_________________

he is!

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

Smudger.

heres a short one

XS:why did the smudger cross then road
WS:why
XS:to get away from my cheesy jokes!

*the

THE BRIDGE

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you One desire."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over Anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic,
think of the Enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required Reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is Hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more Time and think of something that
could possibly help mankind." The biker Thought about it for a long
time. Finally, he said,

"Lord, I wish that I and All men could understand women;

I want to know how she feels inside,

what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,

why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,

and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,



"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
_________________
Smudger.

you changed it a bit

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied,

"I won her in a raffle!"
Smudger.

10 thoughts for the day





10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration

Smudger.

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV , I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian"
Smudger.