h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Great!

Bill Gates is gonna get you!
http://www.moillusions.com/2007/08/floating-bill-gates-optical-illusion.html

a lil optical illusion I found that seemed to fit in nicely have fun

This is worth a smile.

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers ..


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Smudger.

Husbands Store


A store, that sells new husbands, has opened in Winnipeg, in the exchange district, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous looking, and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

yougsuper, cheers for your joke, Goodun

Smudger.

I think he beat you that time round Smudger

OK then XS, have a look at these


SMART ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realized it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.

Smudger.

OK, here are some quickies...........

Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too
high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '.
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
You have to know about cricket to understand this one.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.

Smudger.

Sound Familiar??

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate

shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four,
and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it
toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the
full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a
horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within
two feet of the hole.

He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a
bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill
and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the cup and while walking off the green,
put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and
that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied: "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2
of those 5 shots were mine."
Smudger.

the woman is always right

A petrol station in Tasmania was trying to increase
its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a
local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner
told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get
his free sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were
close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same
bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked
for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to
guess the correct number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the
proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this
time."
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Blue replied, "No,
it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last
week."
Smudger.

definetly wasn't rigged

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says

the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE"

Smudger.

so so true ^,^'

, Brill!!.

Nigel

of course she would still win in the end though

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.


One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who?'






'That was Thora Hird.'

...& might I add a loud M-mooo

Mooooooooooooo .

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. Thinking of keys to a new car, she opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Smudger.