h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

New Blond Flight Attendant

An airline captain was breaking in a new flight attendant. The route they
were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain
showed the flight attendant the best places for airline personnel to eat,
shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was
in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The flight attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here." She
sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
and says "Do Not Disturb!'"

Smudger.

love it

Websailor

This morning, one of my regular golfing days, I got up early, put on
my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped
quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car and proceeded to
back it out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio for a few minutes and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went
back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and
whispered huskily, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know. Can you believe my husband is out
golfing in that sh*t?

Smudger.

omg

Old Harold

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T. error? What's that In case I need to fix it again?'

Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down .. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold..

Smudger.

DARWIN AWARDS ARE IN FOR 2007

EIGHTH PLACE:

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

SEVENTH PLACE:

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

SIXTH PLACE:

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

FIFTH PLACE:

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

FOURTH PLACE:

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. As Ron White often says, ' You can't fix stupid.' These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.

THIRD PLACE:

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices: 1. His target was H&J Leather & firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns. 2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers. 3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.



HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. 'All I can say', said Bingham 'is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.' Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. 'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him' said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Sh*t happens.'
Smudger.

The Half-Wit



A man owned a small farm in Minnesota . The Minnesota State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.



"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.



"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."



"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.



"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Smudger.

ONE LINERS LIVE...

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.



Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

been divorced three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

--------------------------------------------------------------- --------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Gene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison








"Be kind to others, for each one of us is fighting some kind of battle."

"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there".

People will forget what you said .......
People will forget what you did ........
But people will never forget how you made them feel.

"Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting...."Wow! What a ride! Thank You Lord!"
Author unknown
Smudger.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND


SEVERAL MEN ARE IN THE LOCKER ROOM OF A GOLF CLUB. A CELL PHONE ON A
BENCH RINGS, AND A MAN ENGAGES THE HANDS-FREE SPEAKER-FUNCTION AND
BEGINS TO TALK. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM STOPS TO LISTEN.


MAN: 'Hello'.

WOMAN: 'Honey it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'.

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now, and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1000, is it o.k. if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much'.

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked'.

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'.

MAN: 'For that price I want it with all the options'!

WOMAN: 'Great! And one more thing. The house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000!

MAN: 'Well then go ahead give them an offer for $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It is clearly a
pretty good price'.

WOMAN: 'Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye. I love you too'. The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths wide open.

He smiles, and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Smudger.

Dear Abby.

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since
our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me .
He doesn't even defend my reputation when people suggest I may be a
lesbian. What should I do?

Clueless


Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States..........Act like one!

Smudger.

Woo Hoo!

It's quiet on Hoo Too tonight you ok?

Websailor

I know I'm ok

Glad you're You stickin' around this time

Websailor

I just need to take breaks when I over do stuff

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Smudger.

Great one Smudger!

Dear Alice:



I found this hilarious:



Many of us are guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking,

'Surely, I can't be that old'. If you've ever done this, then you'll

appreciate the following:

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first

appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his

full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the

same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he

be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This

balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have

been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had

attended Morgan Park High School .

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

'In 1965,' he replied. 'Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely..................... and then that ugly, old, bald,

wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'What did you teach?'

Smudger.

just as good if not better!

Better Especially as I went to the dentist yesterday


Websailor

While walking down the street one day a Senior Politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well now, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank! Champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


_________________Smudger.