h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As an aside from BB

Wasn't the second half so much better that the first? Is it not true that Michael Owen is GOD? Is it not true that the assistant referee was blind and stupid because there is NO way Lampard was off side?

Am very happy apart from it isn't fair that Michael didn't get his hat trick.

Well done England.

Legers: What a jolly nice person you are Thank you for your very kind words.

PS Magster 1 Demon Head Mistress 0

Yeeesssss

Magster - don't tease! tell us what happened? And I don't mean the Football

I must disagree with the male stripper idea. Lady stripper on the other hand is much better

Legers is surrounded by Hazel, Petunia, CG and LouLou. They tell him that they understand his disquiet about them bringing in an outsider, and hoped they might find a volunteer from inside the house.

Magster is standing a little way aside, her eyes modestly lowered, shaking her head quietly. She searches her Bible for guidance, and finds a suitable quote : "For the fruit does not fall far from the tree". The house mates stare at her in alarm.

Legers gets the point and decides to workout non stop to get into a EVEN BETTER shape while everyone else can finish the pole.

The alarm is because of the look on TMW's face. She reads the bible all day long but to be honest, hasn't really got a clue as to what the vast majority of it means. This is because it is not written in modern english. The despair that has passed over TMW's face affects everyone in the house.

Peter starts to go green but they may be because of the four leaved clovers he has been eating.

Suddenly the voice of BB breaks the silence. BB has decided after careful consideration to allow Hazel her forest (on the basis that it is harvested from a renweable and sustainable source) but not her knives as they could be dangerous, BoP her jos sticks and massage oil, Ali and Pat their grass seeds, TMW her bibles, Lew his invisibility but not the van and finally Bushy his night pass to Kings Cross, because BB figures that one, the other house mates need a break from him and two, there isn't a woman daft enough to follow Bushy back to his cave.

BB will not be granting the other requests for BB's own reasons but BB does point out to Legers that there are enough beans in the house already in order for him to fulfil his dream.

BB also states that under no circumstances will there be any female strippers allowed into the house as such a thing is degrading to wimmin. However, BB has advised Dermot that he must return to the house for an hour to perform a male strip. This is because it will be educational for the wimmin of the house and is not in the slightest bit degrading. Indeed it will be an honour for Dermot to perform this task.

Legers disagrees with both decisions and asks for an appeal. First off, all of the beans in the pool started to mold and and impressive civilization of bugs is getting developed. As for female strippers, noone even thought about degrading women but rather enjoy the beauty of a female's body

Peter excuses himself and decides to eat some more clover to get rid of the sickness

BB agrees with the most important of Leger's complaints and agrees to provide some fresh beans. He may also "shadow" Dermott in his educational endeavours. But the decision on the female strippers is Final.

Sadly, when Dermot comes to perform the task of stripping for the ladies, they are left bitterly disappointed by his beer gut, hairy back and disappointing packet. Legers is hurriedly brought in to replace poor Dermot but the poor sap only lasts ten seconds before collapsing through exhaustion brought on by his excessive working out.

The ladies are angry and desperate for some male strip action. Bushy slips from the room unnoticed but the women's eyes alight on the two muscular, moody, statuesque male beauties sitting in the corner.

One of them, AWAW, stands, his elegant designer clothes adding a lush quality to the tense atmosphere and he glances languidly at his priceless Faberge pocket-watch. He yawns, his perfectly crafted teeth gleam mischievously like pristine ivory in the half-light.

"Is that the time? I must go and, er, put my CDs in alphabetical order." He leaves briskly, his Gucci brogues tapping rhythmically on the marbled floor.

PP sits, motionless. The angry horde of women approach him menacingly. A West Midlands accent rings out.

"You'll do. Get him girls..."

Hazel is staring after Ali, whi she has only seen before wearing sports clothes. "No wonder he didn't want to take them off here " she thinks "they really need to be put straight back on the hanger".

Magster steps forward to intercede between the ravening hordes and Pat "if you are naked, do we not clothe you?" she quotes....

As a pack of angry women, such as they are, they jump upon PP and tearing down his clothes bring him to the new built pole. "Dance or die" is the new modo of this crowd. Poor chap start slowly undress but the realisation of what these women can do to him makes him nerves. With out realizing, with his shaking hands and sweaty face, seem to women even more sexy
Legers angry with his performance, crawls to the frige to drink some energy drink and perhaps offer the new dancer some help.
AWAW for a second glances in the mirror and gets blinded by his own smile. Getting to his room he meets the floor which was supposed to be his bed.

Pat gives a wiggle to the left and a wiggle to the right. He shakes his bottie twice and then wiggles again. Will this be enough?

Fortified by his energy drink, Legers swoops in to rescue Pat, aided by Magster (who is still torn between being bitterly disappointed by Dermott's performance and her own culpability in setting the wheels in motion). Legers takes Pat into the boys bedroom to recover, stepping carefully over Ali's designer clothes on the way.

Let down and cross, CG & LouLou step into the garden to admire the water feature. Hazel and Petunia decide to remodel the Hermitage to resemble the lost city of Atlantis, since all the ice has melted from the steppes.

Legers and Pat are still in the boys bedroom. Pat is quivering and shaking. Legers is too. He gets down on his knees before Pat. "Pat" says Legers, "I have always worshipped you quietly, from afar. But now we are like this together, alone and with you naked, I can hide my feelings no longer. Oh Pat, will you marry me and have my children?"

AWAW locks his door behind him, relieved at the welcome embrace of solitude at last. He removes his Thierry Lacroix corduoroy smoking jacket and places it lovingly on his teak clothes hanger; his purple crushed velvet flannels cling lovingly to his lithe, freshly waxed legs.

"How could I leave my friend, mentor and fellow gentleman cricketeur to that fierce horde of sexually-deranged harridans?"

He has an idea. His thoughts have drifted to the man with the bowler hat in the garden shed. He dusts down his crisp Lyttelton shirt, gathers up a pair of scissors, tape and a jar of vaseline which he had earlier taken from Bushy's room and creeps slowly outside, towards the shed...

Magster walks into the living room, where Hazel has just constructed a mermaid, "There's something missing, somehow" Hazel muses. Magster looks perplexed. "I'm beginning to doubt my calling", she explains "sometimes .... I just long for the ... Old Days"......

Hazel walks outside to the pool, noting with approval the well-hung jacket on the way. She idly wonders if the bottle she threw into the water is still there.

Beyond the huge gas-plant which Legers has constucted lies the shed... what IS that noise?

Hazel-see's the bottle still there it as not moved so she saunters by the gas plant which legers has constructed in the shed and sees no-one there so she decides to watch the cricket.to see if she can see any familiar faces playing,"aaaah yes"she says to herself," theres Alistair and Pending- Alistairs bowling and pending playing silly mid off mmmm i think they call it that"she mutters,"i cant understamd this game".

Pat awakes early. He is exhausted mentally and physically. He feels used by the women of the house and confused by Legers' proposal. "Life wasn't meant to be like this" he mumbles to himself. He decides to try to recapture his childhood, when things were simpler, by playing the old Solo Test Match game which stood him in such good stead in the back yard as a nipper. He writes out an Australia 1981 XI and an England 1981 XI (absent Boycott, whose place at the top of the order and as an occasional bowler is taken by one P. Pen), picks up a bat and a tennis ball, and heads outside to the paved area, where he proceeds to throw the ball at the wall and then play a shot as it returns, awarding runs and wickets depending on the shot. ""Happy Days", as Tuffers would say", he thinks.

But 5 minutes into the game, a delicate leg glance takes the ball speeding down towards the shed, where he is surprised to see someone else awake. He wanders over to hazel, who has her ear pressed up against the door. But what's this? She's not awake. Rather, it seems that one of her earrings has become snagged on a nail in the door, and, unable to extricate herself, she has fallen asleep upright, her mind full of dreams of hermits and AWAW. What should Pat do? He ought to wake her, but she just looks so damned attractive sleeping. Perhaps a well timed appeal will do the job?

Pat begins to check on the other housemates.

Pinky is absent, presumably lying in a gutter, trouserless, at Kings X.

AWAW is asleep: his black silk sheets moulded around his honed physique and his Thierry Henry pyjamas.

V Max is snoring, his arm lovingly wrapped around the Vespa which always shares his bed.

Peter is talking in his sleep: "Charisma Carpenter.....yes.....she can have a stint on the pole.......cream......beer.....top o'the mornin'....".

But, most bizarrely of all, Legers, Lew, BoP, CG, and TMW are all asleep in the bath, and everyone else is comatose in the Diary Room. What can have happened last night?

Hmmmmm you tell me Pending old chap