h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Morning Hazel, and Tous des Peurples.

Goin' shopping now, so I hope all the vacuuming and dusting is done by the time I return. Will bring some cream cakes, and strawberries and cream for those who will be watching the tennis.

Love JB

JB - I never watch the tennis but I

Do you mean that Wimbledon has started? That would explain the weather!

"Wimbledon"? I think you mean "Timbledon", surely? And, no, it hasn't started yet, although as it's getting near, our media are beginning to warm up for the inevitable Henmania by going to the Stella Artois tournament at Queen's, the sort of event which, for the rest of the year, gets only a passing reference in 'Sport In Brief'.

Pat, I am also going shopping now. Perhaps in the meantime you could translate your post so that it is comprehensible to some-one who never ever reads the sports pages*


* in the interests of accuracy I should say that I do sometimes look at the racing.

Pat are you the only one on?
Where is everybody?
Phew! back I come.
I've missed the board and all the wonderfull people!
Problem of the day- Computer! damn computer and the office server!
Song of the day- Bron-Y-aur Stomp--Zeppelin
Weather--Beautifull!!! not a cloud in the sky!
Wonderfull news--I've got a volunteer post at the bluesfest in Ottawa and I get to see the like of Elvis Costello, Sheryl Crow, etc for free!
general mood--fantastic.
Activity for tonight. Cleaning up my room after my painting escapade. The room is now green. Now comes the fun decorating part...

Hi Petunia - wondered where you had got to. I don't know - typical of those inconsiderate bosses not keeping the h/w up to scratch when you've got important msgs to post

Glad to hear you're in such a great mood - we need livening up a biy, I think.

Perhaps you would like to restart our BB?

p.s. for (ex)Pirates - the Archers Board has just done a raid on BBC7 (Standing Room Only). Oh well - imitation is flattery, I suppose

Thank you for giving me the honours!

The house seems remarkable quiet. The fountain in the back was mysteriously started up on it's own. The beans turned out not to be completely cooked, through this they began to sprout and created a beautiful green backdrop for the yard. Legers looks over hesitantly at their beauty, he enjoys the view but this serves as further proof that he could not even cook beans properly. Petunia gazes pleasantly at him impressed thinking that he has really let out his creative gardening side. Wysi is contentedly gazing at the sky above trying to envision herself flying through the clouds. Even Bushy is peaceful, he has dedicated himself to listening to the fountain. Pat is envisioning new plays in his head. But what is the cause for this new found universal peace? The whole house is engaged in a tai chi session.(although Pat's moves remarkably resemble new c****t techniques). The network is fed up with this peaceful change. They decide to parachute in a new disturbance. Everyone is unaware as the menace descends upon them...

A large box is set down very gently in the middle of the garden. It is padded on the outside and has airholes all around.

The housemates look at it warily, their former peace immediately draining away. They know that it can't be good news.

Pat and Ali approach first. From within they hear a sort of snuffling noise. Legers is quite clear about his position - they should take it straight to the Diary room and leave it there. Hazel is annoyed because the helicoptor flying away has disturbed a lovely cloud formation. Petunia is trying to use her psychic powers to determine what is in the box. It's human - she thinks - but there's something strange about it.....

Through the window Magster, CG and LouLou are watching from the lounge. They don't think this is anything to do with them. How wrong they are!

Then an idea in Petunia's mind falls into place. She gasps : Oh No - It's a .........

hi to everyone who knows me - i have no idea what this madness has been about but would like to make it clear that that this is my last post.

it is quite possible that my id will be usurped because it has happened before. what ever is said in my name after this you can be sure it is not me. i dont know how to prove this but alidubs knows me and i am sure will vouch for me being truthful.

i did write to chelsea girl but havent had a reply so wonder if i have been tarred with the same brush. whatever. you all should get special software for your msn messenger and also anti virus and firewall - otherwise you are very easy prey to the unscrupulous and ammoral. dont fool yourself that it wont happen - this is not the same as living in a protected environment where there are walls alarms neighbours etc. this medium favours those who wish to hide their deeds.

Thanks for the heads up Kris!
I was wondering what all the craziness was.

****back to BB****

all of a sudden BoP faints and is unable to disclose the contents of the box. The rest of the house stares in awe. What could this horror be. The box begins to rock back and forth in a regulated rhythm. The rocking is so small that when it speeds up it becomes a faint hum and the box is seen to be levitating. Ali , Bush seem to be unaware of its existence and begin discussing the manner in which to prune the beans. Ideas are thrown around but eventually the choice lies between pruning into the shape of a meat cleaver or creating a shape in homage of cricket. Suddenly Legers eyes widen...he realises....bean plants give you even more beans!!!! He forgets completely about the box and looks towards the kitchen in anticipation. What is the insanity of this box why does it's appearance suddenly create an absent minded haze over everyone? The women try to fight against it but find themselves slipping into thoughts of Dermot, decorating and clouds. BoP comes back to consciousness and the first words out of her mouth are "Yes, how do you create a proper east Indian theme for a room?"... can anyone resist the box? What is it? And where the heck is Peter? what will happen next? what indeed!

Suddenly, the lid of the box pops off, the sides collapse, and out leaps the elfin princess of pop, Kylie Minogue, wearing nothing but a grin. She immediately runs over to Pat, throws her arms around his muscly, toned, neck, and exclaims.....

"Oh Robbie!"
Pat refuses to correct Kylie's judgement and begins to atempt his best Robbie Williams impression. Kylie (not being the sharpest pencil in the box) is fooled. They scamper off to the shed. But wait, the prisoner is still in there!....

Pat, ever the gentleman, as well as taking advantage of Kylie's confusion, disposes of the prisoner-in-the-shed problem by yanking its bowler hat down over its eyes and delivering a short, sharp kick to the solar plexus. A muffled exclamation of "Perverts" is heard as kylie begins breathing deeply and running her hands over Pat's ripped, buff torso.

[Producer's Cut: BSC Guidelines prevent us taking this any further in mixed company].

Meanwhile, what's this going on on the lawn? It's...........

A swarm of locusts. They have descended upon the house as the first of the plagues! Kylie being the evil that she is has render the only saviour incapable of combining his powers with other to destroy this new menace! Oh the horror!!!! What is to be done?? None even dares to disturb Pat from his escapade due to the fact that their train of thought ran thus:
" Hmmm, I wonder how to properly manage the angle of the handle on this sculpture of the meat cleaver?... ouch what ?? what??? the beans are gone!! the locusts ! God NO!!!!"
or
"Beans, beans, beans, magical wonderful, multiplying....hey…where did they go??? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! damn you locusts!!! my chilli and all it's glory has been vanquished even from the realm of dreams!!!"
Or
"Hmmm, would purple taffeta really be East Indian? what about...ouch…ooh…The flowers in my hair!! my organic Buddhist charms!!! all gone! How will I ever get proper organic accent pieces...the room is swept like dust to the wind!!! damn you foul insects!!!"
ETC....
Even in the mists of the most foul deed the mind are still in a haze!!

Evening all!!

Although I suspect there will be a place on the C4 website for such postings I thought, in my capacity as BB correspondent, that I would bring you the following side-splitting report:

This week's nomination from the lovely Jon (apologies in advance to all veggies, gingers and scousers!..you're all lovely IMHO!)

"This week I nominate Sissy...because she's a vegetarian and costs us too much beer money"...BB is not satisfied with this reason.."You want another reason big brother?" says Jon..."like because she's ginger, or from Liverpool?"

ROFL!!!

Kylie exclaims Why Pattie-I..I..I, thought you were a man but....but....your a woman why are you wearing mens clothes! pattie,is taken aback with Kylie's exclaimation Please....please dont tell anyone about this oooh please Kylie..what will they say when they see me playing cricket..i...i...will never hear the last of it because i act so macho i even wipe my lipstick off hen i'm playing cricket so they dont find out i'm a girl.Kylie laughs out loud and says," A GIRL! your more like a woman aaaaa girl jeeez!".Pattie runs off sobbing and whimpering please....please....please Kylie dont breath a word of this to Doug.

Suddenly Kylie's head begins to spin and all things go completely topsy turvy. The whole place resembles a painting by Picaso! the madness is never ending! pat runs up a staircase that came from thin air only to find himself falling down a tunnel. In Mid fall he awakens in a cold sweat! He looks over and sees that Kylie was an evil fem-bot...was being the opportune word... for it looks as though something has caused her to spontaneously combust! Pat becomes conscious of the yells outside. Runs out. The locusts all stop and gaze at Pat. None of the house mates knew that locusts could gaze but they did so, possibly for the first time in history! frightened by Pat's shear manliness (or his manly musk) they fled. Suddenly the whole group begins to wonder... who or what was it that caused Kylie to explode? BoP feels a slight chill down her neck... it's not over yet!!

talk to you you guys later!
I'm going home.
Pat great BB time!

Suddenly Kylie's head begins to spin and all things go completely topsy turvy. The whole place resembles a painting by Picaso! the madness is never ending! pat runs up a staircase that came from thin air only to find himself falling down a tunnel. In Mid fall he awakens in a cold sweat! He looks over and sees that Kylie was an evil fem-bot...was being the opportune word... for it looks as though something has caused her to spontaneously combust! Pat becomes conscious of the yells outside. Runs out. The locusts all stop and gaze at Pat. None of the house mates knew that locusts could gaze but they did so, possibly for the first time in history! frightened by Pat's shear manliness (or his manly musk) they fled. Suddenly the whole group begins to wonder... who or what was it that caused Kylie to explode? BoP feels a slight chill down her neck... it's not over yet!!