h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

LOL Magster - what a picture ,

I'm not sure it would work anywhere else though - they would probably just keep you waiting even longer in the hope you would carry on undressing. A Hen night is a brilliant opportunity to do exactly what you feel like, somehow.

I hope Peter has caught up with our BB now - perhaps he can make enough sense of it to restart.. Also - Petunia - if you are out there - normal service will be resumed asap!

Yes i'm still waitin' Magster-darlin'to hear yeh what you have thought up..away it must be better than the owld dustbag and the power cut yarn...ooorrr even ridin' the owld harley in Texas.

Good afternoon.
Peter!!! great to have you back!
I've wanted to insert you into BB for the longest while as the arriving saviour of the insane situations, but alas you never came. I was worried. Well from the stand point of the BB you then somehow arrived back from your Buddhist lifestyle. You must create a grand entrance for yourself. May I suggest confetti, fireworks, fanfare, juggling bears, etc...
Wysi, thanks for the heads up, I was getting anxious.

Back in the "Is this..." house.

Peter who had been hiding in a secret part of the garden since day 1, finally decides it is time to join in the main stream house activities, otherwise it will not be possible for him to win because the viewers will think he is boring. He is as brown as a pint of guinness and his hair is all white from the sun, which means he looks like a pint of guinness too. AWAW wonders whether it might be worthwhile trying to drink Peter, because there has been no alcohol in the house since TMW took a vow of sobriety and poured all the alcohol down the sink. Peter keeps saying things like "Top 'o the mornin' to yer" and "be jaysus". The housemates consider that Peter has spent far too much time in the garden.

CG is considering expanding her water feature. She has a mini Niagara Falls design in mind. She pops into the diary room to ask BB for boulders. BB will get back to her.

Hazel is considering expanding her model of the Hermitage. She has a mini Russia design in mind. She pops into the diary room after CG and asks BB for a forest of trees to be delivered and some sharp whittling knives in order to transform said forest into matchstalks. BB will get back to her.

Lou is considering expanding her kennels where the dogs she smuggled in in her bra are currently residing. She has a Battersea Dogs Home design in mind. She follows CG into the diary room and asks for bricks and mortar. BB will get back to her.

Bushy is considering expanding his hareem. He has a Topkapi Palace hareem design in mind. He nips into the diary room after Lou and asks BB for a night pass out to round up the girls around Kings Cross station. BB will get back to him.

AWAW and Pat are considering enlarging there cricket practice area. They have a Lords Cricket Ground design in mind. They nip into the diary room after Bushy and ask for grass seeds. BB will get back to them.

Legers wants to bottle gas. He has big gas works in mind and lots of money. He pops to the diary room after AWAW and Pat and asks for more beans. BB will get back to him.

BoP wants to build a spirituality, mind, body and soul centre. She has a an India (that's the country) design in mind. She pops into the diary room after Legers, nearly faints from the toxic smell and asks BB for jos sticks and massage oil. BB will get back to her.

TMW wants to build a world of love. She nips inot the diary room after BoP and asks BB for enough bibles for the housemates, so that they do not have to share them anymore. BB will get bach to her.

Lew wants to build a ciggie kiosk in order to sell all of his contraband off directly without having to scout around in dubious pubs and clubs trying to find customers. He has a Carrefour design in mind. Lew follows TMW into the diary room and asks for a big white van and invisibility from customs officers. BB will get back to him

Anyone else in the house (I think they well have left by now) is asleep.

BB is exhausted.

The diary room is full.

BB comes back with his reply, he can only grant two of the requests, arguments ensue.

The diary room is chock-a-block, with barely space to breath. "Yeeeawowawowaw!" Suddenly someone ejaculates a strangled yelp of pain. Who is it who has received a misplaced elbow in the unmentionables?

It wasn't an elbow it was Max on his vespa. He had been hiding under TMW's improvised habit. Max wants to build a giant hog of a motorbike. He has a VMax2000, BMW, Harley Davison, BSA, Triumph design in mind. He asks BB for a set of spanners and two wheels. BB will get back to him. BB also admonishes Max for being so quiet and hiding in TWM's habit all the time.

The walking pint of Guinness enters the diary room. Peter (for it is he!) asks BB for a hammer, some nails, several planks of wood, a dart board and a pool table.

What CAN he be planning??

(Aside: Hello Petunia...Are we on for our daily "meditation" session in the shed as usual?)

(Another aside: England 0 Slovakia 1 at half time???)

Peter is clearly building a billiard room, in which the chaps can tell witty after-dinner anecdotes while the birds do the washing up.

BB calls V Max back to the diary room and points out that his request for spanners is otiose, because the house already has at least 2 complete tools in it.

.

HURRAH!!!!!!!! JOLLY WELL DONE OLD CHAP.

All of the men in the house leap up as they celebrate little Mikey Owen's equaliser (Pat having smuggled in one of his 37 radios).

Pat and Peter retire to a corner of the living area and the microphones pick up the occasional word of their conversation.
"...optics..." - "...bar stools..." - "...stillage..." - "..as a newt every night "

Their mutterings take a darker turn - "..offside, my ar.." - "we wuz robbed..." - "...paid off the linesman..."

- "Pumps..." - "hand-drawn..." = "beer wenches..." - "vomitorium..." - "why did that linesman flag for offside when Lampard wasn't...."

What can they be doing?

Hazel thinks that Pat is very clever to have taught the chickens how to wash up. She decides not to fight for her requests and instead begins to build the Russian steppes using some pebbles from the garden and all the ice from the fridge. Petunia suggests that they could work together and eventually join India to Russia. Magster suggests that this may have an undue impact on the living area, not tp mention the world economy.

All the boys run back outside to finish their 2 1/2 aside football game, with Peter sportingly playing the game in two halves.

In all this harmony they have forgotten that some-one will still have to be evicted...

"...brilliant header..." - "...white wine for the ladies..." - "...the boy Owen..." - "...private room upstairs..." - "...chance of a hat-trick?..."

The chickens are now using hammers to make some wooden panelling and a sign which reads, mysteriously, "The Love Gloves' Arms". What is going on? And hasn't Pat taught them well?

" good gritty performance...." - "Gerrard magnificent....." - "pole-dancing....." - "potato based snacks...."

Legers gets tired of listening to the game that for some reason is translated in bits and chops. Instead he decides to help Megster and Pet building stuff. For a compromise between building India and Russia, he suggests building North Pole. All they need is whole lot of ice.

*off the record, Magster, after talking to you for a while I came to a conclusion that your kids are lucky. They've got THE COOLEST mother possible*

Hazel, Petunia, LouLou & CG decide that if there is going to be an Irish pub in the house then it must have a space suitable for hen nights, which means a space for the male stripper. They want to ask Magster for details as they know that - in her past, of course - she was an experts on such events. But how to broach the subject?