Journal Entries
off the wagon
Posted Mar 22, 2007
well, the choccy wagon flew by and i flew off it.
feeling very depressed today. think i've been watching and reading the news too much recently - too many deaths, pain and suffering everywhere.
Like the guy in France who got thirty years for stabbing the eyes out of his mrs. or the woman in Germany denied a quickie divorce on grounds of cruelty because the (female!) judge said that they were both Moroccan and domestic violence was only to be expected.
Like all the people in the UK that have been knifed to death in the last 2 weeks.
got ambushed at work today again - the MD does this every now and then. hate it everytime, it always makes me panic that i'll get fired. have only been fired once in my life and that was illegal and i got my job back through the union at the time.
feeling like a permanent, fat (cause obviously if you're depressed you beat yourself up about everything, not just the relevant bits) dropout. haven't finished my exam that i should have done on september (yup, last year) and i'm so close. waste of money as usual.
broke, want a raise but don't want to ask for it cause i don't want to work here. if i ask for a raise i'd feel like i needed to earn it.
also, doing my social avoidance thing. i am terrible at following things through socially and i always think people are just being nice when they indicate that they'd like to be friendly with me are just being polite. i never believe them.
i really just want to go home and go to bed and pull the covers over my head and have a nap, maybe with puppy lying next to me. whereas i know going for a run would reduce stress, tension and feelings of guilt about the chocolate wagon, as well as make me feel better about myself. weather is horrible and has been all day. but at least i'm learning what is good for me. just lack je ne sais quois right now to do that which is good for me.
funny how once you move away from a certain situation, like bullying, or depression, you kind of distance yourself from it. like nobody on here probably knows about the bullying in my past or the suicide attempts when i was the most depressed. haven't been that bad for years and aren't now, but it feels odd that this big side of my past, my life, is almost disappearing because the witnesses are all gone. you find yourself talking to someone new and suddenly realise that you can't say something because they don't know you, as in _all_ of you.
i console myself that i can post this here and nobody will read it because i don't have any friends, so my secrets are safe. nutter, really. want friendship want people want weirdos like me. don't do anything to make it happen, then beat myself up about that. don't seek out any people or maintain relationships in iceland well, beat myself up about that. this is just turning into one big pity party, a bit useless really.
so is that my redeeming quality - i am self-destructive but only to a point? i am moany until i get fed up with myself and start laughing at the idiocy? or isn't it redeeming?
in any case. i'm going home now.
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Latest reply: Mar 22, 2007
Now, is this legal?
Posted Feb 17, 2007
Right, for complicated reasons, the company I work for are threatening to cancel my holiday in June that was signed off earlier in the week. Or trying to pressure me into agreeing to cancel it myself. 
Now, the holiday was planned at that particular time for several reasons and I am not at all inclined to change it. I do understand their point of view, that they can't pull of that particular project without me, but fox em, is how I see it. They've screwed me over somewhat since I started there, most notably by not paying overtime until January this year, and while £2k isn't a huge amount, I wouldn't just piss it away either.
They signed it off and after that it's not my problem, although I am always careful to take a photocopy of all forms that are signed off, holiday, expenses, overtime, etc.
So, I've stuck to my guns and made my new boss look at me askance. He does this annoying thing of shrugging his shoulders in a kind of 'what can I do?' helpless way that is so fake and untrue that it's not even funny.
The question remains, is what they are trying to do legal? Can they do it and have a leg to stand on? Can I say no and make it stick? Etc.
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Latest reply: Feb 17, 2007
New Family Member
Posted Jun 12, 2006
DancingTree and I will be extending our family in July with the arrival of Sam. Our little boy has four legs, a gray coat and a moustache. We're very happy as we took a while to find a breeder that we felt was trustworthy and shared our ideas.
I'll post some pictures of him when I can and link to them.
In other news, my parents are over. Usually it's a 'joy' to have them, but so far, so good this time.
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Latest reply: Jun 12, 2006
Grumble grumble
Posted Dec 19, 2005
I clearly do not belong in the National English 'Mustn't Grumble' League. Ah well.
Today I'm annoyed about three things really.
Firstly, in my paycheck today I got docked a days pay for being sick. Fine, except in my contract it says 'consult company handbook' and in the company handbook it says 'sick pay is paid solely at the discretion of the company'. Nowhere is there any mention of having to be employed there for 12 months prior to claiming sick pay. Nobody took me aside after that day and said 'look, this is how we do things, glad the opportunity arose to discuss it' or something of the sort.
At least it was only a day, eh?
Second, the company did rather well last year so they've paid out to all staff of the last financial year, a nice bonus related to performance. As I started working there about a week into their new financial year, I figured hey ho, next year.
Thirdly, having worked for a lot of different companies, state-run as well as private, I have never before in my life not received some sort of Christmas bonus. I even got two last year, £40 from the company I was temping at, as well as a little extra from the agency. I think I'm probably just suffering from a case of over-entitlement really.
So, in other news; I think DT is going to hate his x-mas presents. 
He remains stubborn in his denial to get pets. I want either a ferret (and yes, I do know they are hard to keep and realistically, impossible for us with all our leads and wires, but they have such character) or a dog. Believe I am wearing him down on the dog one. The thing that worries me is that I seem just to be rather a lonely person at the moment, having no friends of my own in the UK and a rather sporadic relationship with the people left behind in Iceland. So it all makes me feel very needy and the smallest little thing can send me reeling and I'm just thinking that my neediness is a rather large thing to put onto a little pet/dog/puppy.
In further other news, diets have been postponed until the new year. I never can think about not eating when there is christmassy food everywhere. Also, work do was rather jolly last week. I remained a perfect lady the entire time, at the envy of other laydies with my swap of flat strappy sandals for my previously worn strappy, sexy, ribbony stilettos. Result!
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Latest reply: Dec 19, 2005
In My Life
Posted Nov 3, 2005
Not the Beatles' song, clearly, rather a list of achievements in my life and stuff - sort of as a reminder to myself..
This year I have worked, needed surgery, had the old car crashed, had a new car, had surgery, got diagnosed with an acute apple allergy and prescribed epi pens, got married, gone on honeymoon and got a new job.
Last year I got a job that I thought would be perfect but wasn't, worked, nursed DTs gran, buried my grandfather, bought a house, decorated a house, moved house, walked out of a job that was killing me on the inside.
The year before that, I was sick, worked, was made redundant, took some Uni exams, sold my flat, moved to the UK, decorated a flat, moved into a flat.
The year before that DT moved to Iceland, we had a court fight to get rid of the tenants, cleaned out the debris, moved into the flat again, redesigned and landscaped the garden, travelled, proposed to DT, sold the car, bought a different one.
The year before that, I bought a flat by myself, decorated my flat, moved into my flat, had tenants, went to CISV camp with the kids, was sick, had panic attacks, met DT.
The year before that, I paid debts and got ready to buy a flat, worked, saved money.
The year before that, I was hit by a car, ruined my shoulder, got a new job and was told I was going to be homeless unless I could support myself.
The year before that, I worked, got cheated on.
The year before that, I went to Uni, I worked three jobs, I bought a car, I dropped out of uni, ran 2 miles a day for 4 months, had a fling.
The year before that I finished college, decided to live, was an aupair, moved to the UK, moved back again, got a job, met my best friend.
So, I've clearly done one or two things, although it sometimes feels like I haven't. Too many nights in front of the telly, too many hours with my nose buried in a book. Not enough time spent sh@gging, making friends, exercising, planning the future etc. But not entire wasted either. Good to know.
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Nov 3, 2005
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