h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I always had piles of useless stuff. I put a lot of them into big boxes marked "Important? Papers" when I moved a few months ago. It's driving TJ nuts, since I haven't need them, I probably won't, and he wants to throw them out. How do I know I'll never need them again? Geez ...

YEAH!!!!... who can predict the future!???

Madam Zelda :

I can prredict zee futurrre! I zee in mah crrystal ball...

Shea, you vill enchoy many yeers off vedded bliss und nefer need ze contentz off ze boxes, until you haf allowed T.J. to trow zem out!
You vill go on to become famous as a trrainer off attack chuahuahuas und you vill steal zee patten forr ze chuahuawitzer frrom Bustaar bones, den he vill sue you brroke! Deasperate und underfunded,
you vill sell yourr soul to bbc. und use ze funds forr openink a factory called s Jelly beans. Zen at last you vill know success!

Serrrgente, you vill find a pyrramid in Egypt, und, iggnorrink ze currse, open it. A mummy vill stalk you through Cairro, when affter
a vild und vacky chase scene, he vill become unrraveled und you vill escape to ze London museum. Zere, ze cat you loff ze most vill betray you forr ze sake off a golden mouse statue, but you vill again triumph und life to host a bbc special on Mushrroom cookery. Ze cat, filled vith remorse, vill steal a manuscript forr you from ze museum, but ze cops vill not belief your espanation, und you vill be locked up. Zere, yourr archeology experience vill enable you to dig yourr vay out off prison, but yourr jealous lover vill screw vith zee plans und your tunnel vill come out in zee queen's kitchen. Yourr qvick thinking vill save you as you snatch up zee pots und pans und cook her a special dish, forr vitch you vill be knighted.

Poulo, yourr futuurre iss clouded vith conflict. You vill gain celebraty vis ze culinary crowd, but ze presence off a fluffy pink bunny vill be yourr downfall. As you sit in ze bookstorre signing copies off yourr latest massterpiece, zomone pink und cuddly vill reveal yourr zecrets to a reporter for ze Neww York Times. Zoon Martha Ztewart vill claim zat you haff stolen herr recipes und zue you. Ze resultink lawsuit vill not only garner zympathy for you, but vill be ze fodder for your next book, a biting expose on Lawyers und Kitchen Divas. For zis you vill earn ze pulitzer.

Drragonfly; yourr literary carreer vill be zlow to ztart, writink a column for ze advizink off ze lovelorn, und many fine travel magazine arrticals ("Transylvania on a Tuppence" und, ze efer-popular "City Bus Tours") until you write an homage to zee Beatleses. Zen ze fans vill demand zat you write a ztory based on "Penny Lane". You vill zoon be writing a weekly column for Beatalmaniacs. After zat, ze shop vill pull a prized antique varmink pan out off zee gas tank off your yellow v.w., vitch vill zell forr millions. Ian vill sink ze money into a production company to showcase yourr poetic talents. You vill be bigger zan bangers und mash.

vulpix and Cerebus pup come scampering in, to toss a ball back and forth. They play out in the courtyard, and come in every once in a while for a root beer.

setting up a scenario for mom

*laughs*

I like the sound of that...though I hope you mean cooking for s, not just cooking them

Bangers und mash!!! Hee hee hee!!! You's so funny!!!

*As vulpix and Cerebus wonder what to play with next, in flies a golf ball. Cerebus: snatches up the ball.*
Vulpix: "EEeww!"
*In flies , manically swinging her purloined rib golf club, intent on playing through. Seeing the ball being tossed about playfully by a 2-ton Cerebus, she scowls.* "Hey! Gimmie back my ball!"

*In bounds the werewolf, to come to a screeching halt at the sight of the giant, 3 headed dog. As belligerently closes in, the Hellhound spots the zombie leg bone and, , drops the ball. Pounding up to the werewolf, he grabs one end of the bone and the two canines begin a tug of war. As vulpix kicks the ball towards XXX R, it is obvious that the hellhound is winning.*

*With a high-pitched yodeling cry,("Yee yee yee yee!"),
the camel wrangler gallops into Hades, plowing into the Cerebus's hindquarters.*
Lurchhoffa: "Ow! Hothothot!"
*Scorched, he is startled as the Cerebus releases the zombie leg bone and whirls around to glare at him. The werewolf, suddenly tug-of-warring against nothing, goes rolling backwards, to land in a sprawled heap at the other end of the thread.*
Cerebus's 3 heads snarl, and his venom-dripping fangs snap!*
Lurchhoffa:"Heh, heh..NICE puppy!"
*Frantically, he searches in his robe pocket and comes out with a doggie treat.* "Good Puppy!"
*Quickly, he tosses it over the dog's heads. Happy, the 3-headed dog snatches at the treat.*

*As swings, sending the ball high into the air, the werewolf reclaims his zombie bone, and closes in on her. Lurchhoffa scoots around the thread, dodging the Cerebus as it munches happily on the doggie bisquit, and tries to interscept him before he pounces, but is off to http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F77867?thread=158011&latest=1 . The werewolf bounds after her, and Lurchhoffa Vulpix watches them go. "Bye, Mom!"*

*IST stands there thinking, "What is she up to now?"*

When you find out...Let me know..

S`cuse me... must

Pardon me - excuse me, coming through...

Golf is a very dangerous game. That's what I have learned!!!

And I thought golf was dull.

Golf dull?

Depends on who's playing it.

Harpo Marx played on a course that was next to
a lot of mansions with backyard swimming pools.
After every hole, Harpo would jump in the nearest
pool for a swim.

Former U.S. President Gerald Ford had a record
for hitting people with golf balls when he played.

And then there's XXX-Rambling, who seems to create
havoc everywhere when she plays golf.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/A828119
Happy Halloween!

Attack chuahuahuas? I'm thinking I'll be over my allergies by then ...

::sits back with a cup of to watch the golf::

I ain't killin' no black cats Ex

I don't have any black cats to kill, though
my neighbors have a few. (They're too nice
to kill anyway )

All I have is a fluffy pink rabbit, who probably
doesn't have any blood inside. ( And I
am *not* going to cut into him to find out for sure)