h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Traveller in Time with s all around
"Try to make the most out of the good moments, perhaps they are rare, but there will be.

Just collected my sun out of the pond, a daily job, poored a bucket water over him, lifted to the bath. It is a becoming a routine and after diner some hugs are shared again.

I do wash his stuff separately from ours. For us I use the only biological cleaner that doesn't irritate me and comfort conditioner - however this was worked out when I was little so I don't remember what it was like to have a reaction. I remember now as I've been flaring up ever since he came, probably because I've been washing and handling his clothes. I just didn't make the connection.

I wanted to avoid putting chemicals near his skin so thought I was doing the best thing for him using the ecover stuff.

We've just spent a long weekend in scotland with his parents and while that was fairly restful it has all been undone today.

One of the other new mums whose baby is about 8 weeks old now went to the doctors on thursday about the reflux and crying and constant sicking similar to spud, she got a referral to a paediatrician and happened to bump into one of my health visitors who arranged for her to see someone right away. I went the day before and a week later I haven;t even had the letter giving me the appointment date, let alone actually getting to see someone. I have been telling the doctors and midwives and health visitors about this since he was about 4 weeks old but because he is gaining weight none of them cared what it is taking out of me to keep him going. I'm so jealous of the other new mum, who I encouraged to go to get help about it, for managing to get help right away - maybe I just haven't been pushy enough.

I've wanted to do what is best for him but just keep failing.

Thanks for the hugs.

hi

yeah ...this talk of allergies... i think alot of them are actually not allergies but reactions to poisons. in our food water air.

i have always ONLY used bleach and dishwashing liquid (the by-hand kind) and some scouring powder to clean with. oh and ammonia... but never together with bleach (that creates a noxious gas). i used ivory clothes detergent until they came out with a people and environment friendly one. i use vinegar on my glass. thats it. oh and elbow grease. my kids dont have allergies.

one of them developed a reaction to wheat that was called an allergy but did you know our systems actually dont assimilate it very well and most of us OD on it?! after a few months of no wheat she was able to use it again but we from that time have used other grains more.

im probably going to get alot of argument from this but i think that once a woman conceives then that is her full time job career artform raison d'etre until the child has reached adulthood. im sure you are realising, for sure at least at this point, that if you dont dedicate your attention totally to this child ...well things just kinda get away from you. parenthood in our society is a steep learning curve at first... and scary too because the stakes are so high. for the first time in your life you are responsible for someone else...

i think its good that you care enuf about your perfomance as a mother to have it occur to you that you might not be doing a good job. its possible that you may not be haha... but dont let that bother you... just fix it ... read up talk to other mothers, especially mothers whose kids are turning out okay. talk to authorities. BUT MAINLY look at how mothers raise their kids in NATURE.... most of this can be done on the internet. and follow your intuition.

heh. yeah your intuition. thats why you have it. so your kids survive lol. im not kidding. remember how your senses heightened when you became pregnant? you were are more sensitive to smells tastes all kinds of things. its natures way of making you more able to protect your young from dangers. and your 6th sense kicked in too. follow your feelings. but make sure you do your homework and learn learn learn about nutrition and psychology. (did you know we can hear conversations i mean our brains process information we hear even when we are asleep? so if you stand over your kid who is asleep and talk about worrisome things your kid WILL know about those worrisome things. i learned that from reading.)

okay thats enuf advice for nowits a good start and i dont want to overload you haha.

and get some rest!! you have the most important job in the world!!

*Lots of s and s for Kelli*

Our wee one is going through a really bad bout of colic just now. I feel bloody awful about it but I do try to keep in mind that parenting is hard and things *will* get better. Honestly, they do!

I also have a lot of support from my other half and my family and I get the impression that you're just not getting that from your loved ones Your wee one will pick up on your frustrations too and that's not good for either of you. I take it the breastfeeding is still a struggle for you both?

I'm not mother of the year but if you do need to rant at someone you can have my left shoulder - Jennifer's usually on the right one

*more s*

Oh, Kelli, you poor thing. I am very angry your doctors are not taking Spud's misery (and your misery!) seriously. There are medications which help very much with reflux problems and if that is what's bothering him, he ing well ought to get them - it's stupid, as well as cruel, to deny him (and you) this help just because he's putting on weight. So am I perfectly good at putting on weight - doesn't stop me suffering damnably from heart-burn and reflux. No wonder he screams non-stop. And if it is reflux, there is NOTHING you can do about it, not even if you were made of solid gold and had a certificate from Angel Gabriel saying you are the best mother on earth. Your inability to comfort him now is so utterly not your fault I don't know where to start.

As for the laundry - dang. You were being a very good and responsible mother by doing his stuff separately in Ecover. It's hardly to be expected you'd both find it doesn't work for you. We're all so different. I use Ecover all the time and my eczema-y skin loves it. My equally scabby Dad can't bear it and has to use a brand recommended by the National Eczema Society ( http://www.eczema.org/ ), which is hypoallergenic and unscented and smells... weird. They also have a help email, for advice on these things.

I can imagine it's impossible to think straight when you are so very very tired and frustrated and worried. But you have clearly been doing all the right things and working very hard at it. You've been struck several times with the most horrible bad luck. It's totally unfair, but it is bad luck, not bad parenting or bad Kelli at all. You, are wonderful.

I hope very much that J and the rest of your family and friends are helping out, to make sure you get enough sleep. The doctor should at the very least take the fact YOU aren't getting any sleep or rest and your quality of life is going to hell in a handcart seriously - if he won't treat Spud's problems seriously for that reason, I'd change doctor, because, really, who needs turnips like that pretending to look after you.

kelli, another for you before I go to bed. I also wanted to mention again the Nanny baby goatmilk if you want to give it a go. It is stocked at Boots (they'll get it for you if your local shop doesn't have it in). I am not by any means suggesting you give up breastfeeding though, ok? Talk to someone at the NCT. Get yourself a support group going if family doesn't do the trick.

No such thing as a good mum, honey. Only a good enough mum. Please don't beat yourself up about this. He'll be fine in the long run and you really need to take care of yourself in the meantime. It is a matter of urgency and priority. Everyone here agrees.

kelli needs up time and down time and kelli time. Spud will be fine.


W

Kelli have you thought of giving up dairy products yourself for a while? It may be that he's having a reaction to that. I don't know for sure, only that my heart goes out to you because I didn't enjoy having a baby either. I introduced solids at around 12 weeks because I just couldn't stand it any more.

When he got to six months I started enjoying being a mum, but things only got really good when he got to 8 months old and his dairy problems were finally dealt with by putting him on soya milk. It's only in the last year that he's finally stopped having reactions, but that could just be because he really doesn't have many dairy products. He still projectile vomits occasionally - but only when he's with his dad because his dad doesn't feed him as carefully as I do.

Keep going, some times are good, some are bad - look forward to the day he can make you a while you sit with your feet up.

dear kelli

Having read your posts on this thread become more and more worried and stressed, I'm worried about you - could you have post-natal depression?

You're not a sh!t mum, you've not ruined your lives, although it is a _different_ life.

I know you're normally really in control and really on top of everything and I understand how much the house and health must have taken out of you. But you sound like you're verging on panicking over using the wrong detergent and making things worse for spud.

I know that it is horrible to see your baby in pain and to know that you may have made things worse, but good mothers have done worse things. My mum fed my brother a bit of (non-alcoholic) trifle when he was 9 months old. It contained eggs and he turned out to be massively allergic to them - she didn't realise the child was practically going into anaphylactic shock and put him to bed early as he was 'poorly'!

Spud will not be scarred for life by you having used a supposedly healthy detergent that he turns out to be sensitive to - he won't suffer from the house having been in a bit of a state, or you having had a nightmare birth.

But you will suffer from being so hard on yourself, and that isn't good for anyone.

I wish I were more eloquent and could express myself better, but I feel really strongly about you being good to yourself. Make one last ditch attempt to speak to your doctor, book two appointments in a row and take your time with the twerp and make them listen to you and your concerns. Try and get spud onto medication and then talk about yourself and how hard you are finding this.

Please, sweetie, take care of yourself as well as spud and J.

ismarah

Very well spoken, ismarah.

I agree. That was pretty eloquent, ismarah.

Let us know how you're doing, kelli, and if speaking to any of us would help, just ask for a phone number.


W

ismarah, very well said.

kelli one of the things people said to us - lots - when Nod was born, was "enjoy it, it goes so quickly". I remember chanting this to myself as I walked back and forth, back and forth, along the landing at 3am. It does go quickly - I can't believe Nod is now 10 - but that doesn't stop some of the minutes, hours and days feeling longer than it seems possible for any human being to bear.

During the hardest parts of my life, I have only managed to get myself through by saying grimly to myself that one day, maybe when I'm 80, I'll be able to look back and smile. *Nothing* lasts forever. But that's not much comfort when you're in the middle of a tough time.

Lots of us here are being as supportive as invisible friends can be but you need practical support from real people who can help on the spot. Please, please talk to your health visitor, change your GP, contact the NCT - you sound as though you are really at the end of your tether.



I know that you are a strong person. But nobody can be strong all the time.

Wish I could do something practical to help. And *nothing* you have told us has made me think you are anything less than a mother doing her best.

Mol

Well said ismarah and Mol (and everyone else!).

Kelli, I've read enough on here to see that you are a wonderful mum, simply because you so obviously love Spud and want what's best for him. Please don't give up with your doctor, as Ag (I think it was) said, if he/she is not listening try and see another doctor. Please take care of yourself, too.

he's finally asleep after four hours of wakefulness. I should be asleep too but I was just laying there berating myself so thought it would be better to get up and eat something.

I shouldn't unnderplay the help I have, my mum comes over most saturdays to give me a few hours off and I go to groups on tuesdays and thursdays so I do see people and get out of the house. On fridays I go to the health visitor's baby clinic where I have been telling them for weeks how things have been.

J rang the hv yesterday to see if she could do the same for me as for my friend. She rang me to chat about it. She can't just send everyone to the baby clinic, but it wasn't clear why she couldn't do this for me. She said I should start a diary of when he eats/pukes/cries to make my story 'more credible' when I do eventually get my specialist appointment. Why I am less credible than my friend, and why my and spud's suffering is less urgent than my friend and her baby's I don't know. It seems so unfair. My mum thinks it might be because I try to put on a brave face and keep soldiering on, whereas my friend just burst into tears. So I've let him down by trying too hard.

I bought a new pushchair yesterday, one that we should have got in the first place that does what we need. I don't know why I did it, except I think I wanted to try to do something right for a change. J went mad because I didn't clear it with him first and it was quite expensive, so now he is pissed off with me. When I am so down, I wish he would try to be more positive about the baby (rather than I-told-you-so-we-shouldn't-have-had-kids), and I am sorry to have annoyed him - I should have discussed it with him before buying it but I just want the baby to have something good.

I just want all this to be over. They keep saying thigs will change and get better but I can't see it. One of the hv said that it might be that he cries all the time because he is frustrated and that might not change until he is mobile - so at least another 6 months of this.

The only good decision I've made for him is the nappies which suit us both really well. I suppose I could count breastfeeding him as doing the right thing for him too but I even doubt that and wonder if he would be happier with formula. I don't think the breastfeeding is the problem, and it is better now I don't let him feed all day, but he has just replaced the feeding with crying, which is so much worse.

Am going back to the doctor, hopefully today if I can get an apointment to plead for a faster referral. BTW it is the same gp that told me I couldn't ask any more questions as I'd used all the time up.

Anyhow, he is crying again so had better go. Thanks for listening and your kinds words.

*holds kelli in arms, strokes head*
It is tough.

I think that the bursting out in tears may actually help at the baby clinic, it's hard to believe that you haven't yet - you are very strong!

The journal (crying, feeding etc) seems like a good idea too. It's not fair that you should have to do that too, but if it helps, it might be worth the effort.

Now talk to J, and see if you can sell the other pushchairs on ebay, and get most of the money back for them. They can't be very worn, can they?

again.

Well done with the pushchair. You needed it - and it's only money. 'I-told-you-so'es' never helps .

Along life there will be loads of decisions which ought to be cleared with your partner but at times are easier to get 'passed' if you take the responsibillity upon yourself and explain/discuss afterwards. A tough deal sometimes, but there you are.

Keep it up, kelli.

Dear Kelli,Sorry I haven't been back before, but I'm thinking of you all the time.
I was going to suggest deliberately bursting into tears. I have done this twice in my adult life - once to get stuff out of Cameroon customs a week before Christmas and once to get better treatment for a fellow student on our MSc- and it worked both times.
If you look like you can cope, you will be left to get on with it. "The squeaky wheel gets the most oil" Think of the ditsy little things of both sexes that get everyone else to do the work for them - I'm currently proofreading for a colleague who's "no good at grammar".
Stop being so strong until spud is mobile.Ask, ask, ask for help. Give up breastfeeding if you want to. Don't if you don't. It really isn't anyone else's business including your unsympathetic doctor. As someone else suggested - ask for a double appointment, one for you and one for spud. Ask a friend or relly to go with you, so that you've got someone to mull it over with afterwards (my son is allowed time off to go to the doc's with his wife and baby, but that's Ireland) I am so sorry for you and angry that you're not having the fun that my lovely daughter in law is, partly because what should be your professional help isn't helping.
Stay venting with us. Lots of love

>> Stay venting with us <<

Absolutely.



W

It's easier to apologise than to ask for permission, I've heard

"...but I just want the baby to have something good."

The baby does have something good - he has you! Best thing ever.

Why is J's attitude that you shouldn't have had kids? I don't understand that, to be honest. D'you want me to come over and sort him out for you? give him (or your useless GP) my worth? I can be quite scary you know, but they might be more surprised than anything.

If you need a chat, we're all here for you - if you need venting in person, several of us are here in the UK and even near to you and only too happy to help, in any way we can. My personal email address is ismarah at yahoo dot com and if you need a chat with someone who's been depressed and got over it, or dealt with too many kids at a time, I've been there too.

Although I don't have any of my own (yet), I have three siblings, all of whom are of an age where i was the perfect, unpaid babysitter, for years. At least two of them regularly called me mummy!

take care of yourself first now though. As spud is still putting on weight, although he is unhappy, he is not being harmed. You are though, as your time with your first baby is being marred by Dr. and J not understanding you (or even trying to) and by stress.



ismarah

Dear Kelli, I am so sorry to hear that J is not being understanding. That's the last thing you need! Although I'm not particularly scary I would quite like to go and see him and give my worth with ismarah!

I hope that you have more success with your doctor today. Please let us know how you get on.

P.S. If you need to cry, do, and if you cry at the stupid doctor/hv/other professional and it helps you get the help you need, so much the better.

I hope that didn't sound too weird.