h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...be brave enough to stand up against my Terminator(5) technology?
Nobody! Nobody I tell you! Soon the magic pickle will be safe from human discovery and my mission will be complete."
With that the android hitched up his trousers and...

.... limped to the end of the plank from the pirate ship.

How is it that they ended up on a pirate ship you may ask?

Really, it's ok for you to ask, because the answer is...

that Lady Scott was on some kind of medication and the pirate ship was in reality a shopping mall.
The android turned to Lady Scott and said if you don't leave now I will....

... forever indebted to you.

And I have no intention of leaving you, so where shall I send the checks?


I (being Lady Scott, myself and having no reason to refer to myself in the third person) said...

..absolutely nothing.
Lady Scott was a figment of the android's imagination but the thought caused his circuitry to short circuit and resulted in him......

.... instantly assimilating himself into the Borg Collective.

Unbeknownst the the android, Mista was in fact the queen of the hive, which is strange seeing as how we all thought he was a

The android settled down to...

...trying to figure out where the valueable pickle might have gotten to.

Meanwhile, back at the castle, Betty bit into a pickle, then sighed as she heard Count Rudolf call out for her again.

If he calls again, I'm going to take this pickle and...

send it to lady Scott's fan club, which
is safe again, now that the fire has been
put out.

Unbeknownst to Betty, an international ring
of pickle thieves heard her say this, and
all 12,582 of them headed for lady Scott's
fan club.

Unfortunately, just as they got there,
heavy rains caused the dam just above the
fan club to...

...burst, washing every last 12,582 of them over to Paul's fan club instead.


All 12,582 of them looked at each other in stunned amazement and decided they liked it much better in Paul's fan club, so Paul finally gave up.

Meanwhile back at the castle...

a well know interior decorator and style guru was shaking his head in disgust."Lime green velvet with pink drapes is SO 1980's. There's only one thing for it I'll have to....

... start a new fashion trend. These colors look much better in leopard print. So he went out to his truck and returned moments later with...

...the Pink Panther, who was his consultant
on procuring the finest of leopard prints.

"Now, do you want vinyl drapes and polyester
curtains, or English toile?"

"I was thinking of something more like 'The
Sopranos...."

...cable print. Either that, or a sheet music print, and I don't mean sheet music."

So he said...

"Personally I think you are all one penny short of sixpence"
This quaint Olde English euphemism were the exact words required to activate an ancient switch causing a revolving stage to turn. As it slowly turned, a sequinned figure wearing glasses at the piano came into view belting out.......

"I'd walk a million miles and more
For some of the gore
Of those good old days!"

It was Dame Edna Everage as Mr. Applegate
(i.e. the Devil) in "Damn Yankees."

When the applause died down, Dame Edna
said. "Hello, possums and gladiolus fanciers,
I've been...."

...behind this wall for ages, with nothing to eat but pickles.

Oh, excuse me.

Well, if there are no requests, I'll just...

...see if the Americans are awake. It takes them about 5 hours to come round. The rest of us have been awake for hours and making.....

...non-sequiturs into stories.

But never mind about that. What I want to know, is...

...why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
This verbal class distinction by now should be antique."

She froze in horror, however, as a taxi driver leapt up
on the stage, saying, "Give me fare, lady, or I'll..."

[Correction: The taxi driver asked for
"*my* fare, lady"]