h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

But it's a real beggar to slick the hair down with in the mornings. Beating a cow-lick down with a head of cabbage really is NOT a good way to begin a Monday.

Ray Bradbury, I think, once wrote a sci-fi short story about a society where the main energy source was human flatulence. Beans, cabbage etc was staple foods and everyone had a gas collecting can in their pants.

Imagine if every car exhaust had a collector bag
that you could only empty in your living room.
I have a feeling people might think twice
about what kind of car they bought.

Ode to cabbage

Oh, little clump of leaves so green,
Of vegetables thou art the queen.

I love your leaves, I love your heart,
It's just a shame you make me fa-fa-
flatulent.

oooh, that almost sounds like the famous vogon poem 'ode to a green lump i found in my armpit this morning'

Flatulence, one might suspect,
Starts where two things intersect:
A food that argues with your gut,
And then a pipeline to your butt.

and that brings us nicely to the classic of countless
lavatory walls.
Here I sit so broken hearted,
Paid a penny and only far-
passed a lot of wind

I think we're going down a slippery slope here.

If we lie in the gutter, at least we should look up at the stars.

I'd rather tell the truth in a nice meadow.

Sounds like a line from a Bob Dylan song,
there again I've got Bob Dylan on the brain today.
Glad he's lost a bit of weight tho.

the stars, yes...

we were camping in the wilderness when one night my then wife asked me what i was thinking while looking up at the stars

i said i thought about the vastness of the universe, our insignificance and if there was intelligence out there since there didn't seem to be much around here - and finally asked her 'but what do you think?'

- i'm thinking who the stole our tent, she said...

Probably the Vogons, who needed extra material for their suits after that last eating binge.

Oh I recognise that old joke, a variation of the
Sherlock Holmes joke. Admirable adaption there.

Next time, you should sleep in a teepee, and let your wife have the wigwam. Unless you think it will strain your marriage by making the two of you too tense (two tents).

too late, paulie. we divorced a decade ago

I see. Und vhat did ze good doktor say about zhat?

Don't get in a flap, ask Guy to rope in a couple
of buddies, preferably a couple of upstanding Poles
for support.

Maybe there's enough fabric for a fullblown circus tent.

i am not commenting on the size of my ex' nightgown