h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The away team appear on the Pizzar ship...*

*E looks cautiously around...the corridor appeared to be deserted...*

OK, lets see what they're hiding on here...

*DD plus two red uniformed extras beams down beside E*

*Joolsee is relieved to see the extras, and breathes a bit more easily.*

* A voice in pain cries from a bulkhead - it is Bluebottle.*

HELP!!!

*DD hits Doughnut Communicator*

I believe we beamed BB to the wrong location when we had difficulties get a lock on him and relocate to here.

*Beams in*

I hate matter transference beams. I mean, think of all the stuff that could go wrong! Two people beaming, they could get their arms reversed, etc.

*Looks around ship*

Does anyone else notice that these walls are bleeding? I find that rather odd, because of . . . wait a minute.

*Licks walls*

Oh. Tomato sauce. How creative.

*beams in*

Wow! You mention the walls, Afgncaap5? I think I could simply eat my way through this entire ship if I didn't happen to despise pizza. I mean really hate it with a vengeful rage. Pizza was responsible for the death of my...



...of my... it's too painful to talk about.



Anyway, could someone recap why we're actually on board? Are we looking for somebody?
Crewmember Bluebottle, would you mind explaining why you are crying so drastically for help?

Could it have something to do with the fact that you seam to have seamlessly become one with a loving caring bulkhead?
Is this a relationship between consenting inanimate objects & adults, or do you want me to have a go at slicing you out with my super-sacred battleblade (a klinklong's only weapon , never leave the massacre without it!)?

I don't know... Here I am, kidnapped by aliens by some weird and fearsome device, awaiting torture and deadedness, and you go around licking walls...
...I guess it makes you learn who your friends are.

*without warning goes absolutely and unremittently into a fit of uncontrollable and unbecoming rage fury obsession archimandrite*

What's that!? Kiiiiiidddnaaapped! Raaaah! Rii'hakon porticullis, k'plagh vromon!
Facing deadedness and possible ketchup stains in your cool space uniform, bluebottle?
Rimash kump'liagh bulwark!
RAaahh!!



Prez to bridge. I seem to have made contact with Crewmember and general goodguy Bluebottle. He is in need of assistance badly. I request permission if it's okay to go into a flying rage and slash my way through this cheesey ketchupy place towards him, taking almost no prisoners and generally having a ball at it.



Vroomkrip annalah! Bluebottle, don't despair.. soon I will be completely berserk and heading your way!

*BS appears, somewhat belatedly, as there was trouble with the transporter beam*

Just remember you are a representative of the Federation Presh. You are not alowed to go berserk without an order from your commanding officer....


NOW GO GET HIM!!!!

Transported chief have you been able to get a lock on BB yet.

Chief O'Lyon: No not yet we are having Mozerelli interferance.

Try and use the Cheddar compensator.

*raises big sacred Super Slaughterblade in two bristlyhaired hands over hairy head*

Raaahhh!! Kuishan k'plagh! Kuishan Megaburger K'plagh!



RAAAAHH!!



I'm coming for you BB!

* stomps over to nearest wall and just slashes it open*
*dives through and runs on hacking and slashing for a while until lost*


E, BS, does anyone know what general direction I shoud be going to get to BB?

Left at the next olive and just under that salami, if my tri-corder readings are correct.

LOL

So, that's *hack, chop* left here at this olive (Hey olives! *gulp, chew*) and then *cough, splutter* under-

*cough, urgh*
*pant, gasp*

Sorry folks, I choked on the olive. First chew, then gulp. I must remember these things.

I'm at the salami. But I'm also getting strange non-BB readings behind it.
I'm not alone here, am I?

Red Shirted extra 1: No it's ok Prez I'm right beh....

*RSE1 is strangled by a triple headed multi-limped creature which has suddenly appeared from behind a slice of tomato*

No!
Ensign InsertName!



Prez to bridge. There'll be one plate less at the dining table tonight.

*BS turns the multi-limbed creature into overdone Salami with a short blast from his Phaser*

That's for Ensign InsertName, a damn good man.

Excuse me, but is there actually ANYONE left here on the ship apart from myself, CD4, Mandarb, PP, Croz and Joanna i.e. all the more quiet members of the crew? Oh, there's Ensign InsertName and Ensign InsertName. Well, hurry back.