h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

suddenly a strange man wearing what looks like chefs clothes, brandishing a spatula, and mumbling something about trying to find a curry wanders onto the scene.

*BS finally reaches the Artichoke*

This thing is huge, better check my tri-corder readings....Hmmm, organic outer coating concealing a titanium based skin which appears to enclose a large number of electonic devices and..........I'd recognise that lifeform anywhere.... Bluebottle! Now to find a way in.

*DD discovers a control panel*

Let me see 42, 5, 3, 1701.

*Door opens*

Easy works every time.

And they were united, without eating mozzarella,
The Bottle was a Blue one,
and happy like Cinderella
For though he was still entrapped kidnapped,
he had laid eyes on a friend,
kill him fry him maim him pry him
he was a happy BB again.

We stood there in the opening
unlocked by DD's code,
we slapped him on the back with glee
until he might explode
But such a DD he was not
received his slaps like a man
who had rescued another man almost
without eating lots of cheese

Now to free our fellow crew member
very strapped in he is
talk like yoda I suddenly do
bug me not it does.
If this is simulposted
and then makes not much sense
I will have rhymed it all for nothing
but such is life I guess

How are we going to beam him back,
beam him back
beam him back
how are we going to beam him back
when we still have no lock on the fella

maybe we're still going to eat the cheese
eat the cheese
eat the cheese
maybe we'll still have to eat the cheese
that blasted mozzarella

*takes slight bow*

A C(_) of Blood Wine for such an Honourable song.

Well, that was a lovely song indeed. How about this one?

(to the tune of "Some Fun Now" from Little Shop of Horrors)

Meanwhile back on the ship
Back where olive oil does not go drip
On the floor, which means that folks may slip
The captain sat and worried "Dearie me,
Mandarb is here then gone, just what can the matter be?"

(all verses to the same tune, as the rest of the original song is terribly dull)

The crew was shrinking fast
How much longer would the voyage last
If they all became a quick repast
For some hungry monster, wait and see
If they get safely out now that Bluebottle is free

And as if just by chance
Things began to do a merry dance
Beaming back and forth; no happenstance,
An odd device gets swapped for chess (3-D)
Let's watch the crew at work - can they solve this mystery?

This crazy Pizzar craft
Floating out in space just like a raft
(Maybe that analogy is daft -
But who cares, just so long as the song's in key)
Is not too stable and may go boom quite soon. By-eee!

Thankyou all.
I request permission to return to the ship...
I need a break. I also need to work out why I was kidnapped, and what they want with us...

DD to transporter room, two to beam back to the Esirpretne.



*Beaming FX*

*DD and BB are transported to http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=33797&thread=43076*

Yeah, well that just about wraps it up then.

*waves at a passing Pizzar ship soldier with ketchup for brains*

Bye bye, little funny alien with whom I can hardly communicate and who I am therefore inclined to destroy!
Bye bye! If we should ever meet again, remember that I can't understand a word you're saying!
Bye!



One to beam up.



Hey, wasn't the transporter scrambled by a mozzarel-

Number One, if you're still there, may I remind you that you're there to figure out why stuff is being transported between the ships, and also to aid any wounded Pizzars. I hope it doesn't turn out that the Pizzars are trying to swap their ship for ours or anything...

Security Officer reporting Captain, I'm on my way to find the Pizzar transporter room now.

*E follows BS...looking for the Pizzar transporter room*

BB try these co-ordinates
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=33797&thread=43076
I have a feeling the buffer created another you on the ship, we may have to try and reasimilate you in sick bay now.

*DONUT*

DD, I told you those 8's get in the way of transporters... Shame really, there're a lot of stars in space...

*E continues looking for hostages/transporter rooms...*

*E notices a door on her left...she approaches it with caution because she can hear noise coming from inside...*

*E motions for BS to take up a position on the other side of the door...*

On 3, OK BS...

...1...

...2...

...3...*The door opens*

*The door opens to reveal a haggard man chained to a wall*
*He looks up*
Thank god!, Help me please, I am lieutenant Pavel Checkout, Security officer of the Starship Endocrine, at least I vas until I vas captured.

*E hurridly unchains the haggard man*

What did they do to you?!?!?!?

We have to get you out of here...

Are there any more of your crewmembers...left...?

I vas the only von to survive the attack, then they boarded the ship and took me to this place. They put creatures in my body, to control my mind, but I beat it. They thought they could control me but they did not.
Please I need to get away from this place, all of us, we are in great danger!!
Please before they come for me!!!!
*Checkout collapses and passes out*

Oh my...



Captain, we've found another hostage... Tell Dr. Croz to get ready, he's in pretty bad shape...

Requesting emergency beam out... BS & I can always come back...

3 to beam up...