h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You may not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective coper device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire underneath them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up passengers.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

When I was a young lass, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking 25 miles to school every morning uphil and barefoot, noth ways, fighting off invisible enemies.

Yadda, yadda, yadda

I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in I was going to moan to the younger generation about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 45, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a utopia! I hate to say it but you youngsters today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a young lass we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the local library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue. There was no email, we had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the postbox and it would take like a week to get there.

There were no MP3's or Napsters. You wanted to record music, you had to get a tape recorder and record from the radio or television.

We didn't have fancy like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a engaged signal, that's it!

We didn't have fancy Caller ID either. When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mum, your
employer, your sci-fi fan club, your dentist, a collections agent. You just didn't know, You had to pick it up and take your chances, young lad.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had board games like headache or monopoly.

A man finally got to the front of the line at the airline ticket counter only to notice someone had hung mistletoe over the baggage scale. He asked the clerk, "Is that so you can kiss all us customers?" She replied, "No. It's so you can kiss your suitcase goodbye!"

The next time you have a bad day at work, think of this man.Rob is a
commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to her radio station who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. She won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your underwater dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arm feels itchy, So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arm starts to burn. I pulled the hose out from my wet suit, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and its arms were around my left arm. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish on my left arm.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my left arm as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, I could not put any clothes over my left arm as my arm was swollen. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, thinkabout how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish on your arm.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"

An Italian, a French and an American were having lunch together. They
were all husbands and had started to boast to each other about how
how many times they cuddled their wives.

The Italian guy said, "Lasta nighta, I cuddled my wife 3 times!
Thisa morning, she said to me that I am wonderful cuddler.

The French guy said, "Ah zat is nuthing! Last night I cuddled my
wife 5 times! Zis morning she zaid I am a super cuddler.

All this time the American guy sat there quietly eating his lunch. The two guys turned to him and asked "Hey how about you? How many times did you cuddle your wife last night?"

The American guy said, "Oh, one time and then we had a cup of coffee."

I'd add somebut the ones I know aren't for hootoo

Warning - Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using fowl language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a listof 13 new and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead of you are working like A hen pecked chicken.

Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead of she is a high flying chicken ferengi.

Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late. Instead of do you want the chickens to cross the road now.

Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible. Instead of it's is highly likely to fowl up.

Try Saying: Really? It is irrelevant to our mission. Instead of the chicken should be left behind to suffer its own fate.

Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with the manager Instead of have you thought of talking to the chicken about ithen asking it to change the lightbulb.

Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead of operation chicken will most likely end badly' is a go

Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead of a highly illogical chicken.

Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead of the provisional chicken team is going to fall, and when chicken teams fall people like me are the first ones shot.

Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead of the chickens are all in a flap and nothing makes them happy. They are dedicated to being unhappy, and to spreading that unhappiness to others!. They are the Ambassadors of Unhappy.

Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead of the chickens teach us patience.

Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead of ooh I love a chicken in uniform.

Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway. Instead of normal is being a chicken what everyone else is and you are not.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus

No more early morning decisions about what to wear, as there is only one uniform. You're never expected to make the tea or coffee every again. The only accessory that you need is a black belt. Never to worry about going grey or even white as white hair is preferred. Sensible footwear, no more killer heels, been made to wear because of rich celebrities say so.

No office politics; a hearty "Ho! Ho! Ho!" reminds everybody who's in charge. No need for an expensive high-flying executive briefcase. No one would want to ask for a ride to work as it is a long ride. No more laddered tights. Eating milk and biscuits all day, and every day. You'd never be asked to retire early. There is no age discrimination and no more high fluted job descriptions.

How to decide who to marry:

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the crisps and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10

What is the right age to get married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.
Camille, age 10

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

What do you think your Mum and Dad have in common?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

When it is alright to kiss someone?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. they need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people did not get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the best one is.....
How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
Steve, age 9

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it.

Young Paddy moved to Offaly and bought a donkey from a
farmer for €100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news; the donkey
died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I spent it already.'

Paddy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him?

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two Euro each and made a profit of €898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two Euro
back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government.

Mom and Uncle Frank

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, its Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

I'm a little fairy On tap o' the Christmas Tree. It's no' a job I fancy, well how would you like tae be me. A tarted up wi' tinsel, it's enough to mak ye boak. An a couple o' jaggy branches rammed up the back o' your frock. An' these wee lights a'roon me, I canny get my sleep. An' there's the yearly visit, fae Santa - Big fat creep! On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here, while you're a' wirin' in. An' naebody says 'Hey you up there, could you go a slug o' whisky? It's nae joke bein' a fairy, the job's beyond belief. You've got to go roon' the wean's beds an' lift their rotten teeth. But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets, an' I've mentioned only some. The very worst is sitting up a tree wi' pine needles up yir bum. When a' the fairies meet again.

Sung to the tune of I Will Survive: At first I was afraid. I was petrified. /When you said that I got mutant powers, Lord I almost died! /But I'd spent so many years, just waiting for Magneto's magnet powers, /I was also ready for Angels wings / I should have known that it was not going to happen, /just a sad pathetic dream. Should have known there was no super powers in my genes! /Go on now. Go! Walk out the door/ Did not you promised me muscles like Wolverine and his claws! /Where are my psionic blasts and Gambits powers. I want to stop time like Professor X and read minds and travel through the astro plane/I will survive! I will survive!/
Cause as long I have the crystal I will have the strength of Juggernaut/ I wilwill spend my time in comic book adventures/ I will be dressed in spandex! / I will survive! I will
survive! Hey! Hey! / It took all my self-control not to laugh out loud /I at the silly outfit I have to wear! / But now give me Nightcrawlers teleporting power,/ along with Hanks intelligence and Cyclops eyeblasts and Quicksilvers speed! / I will survive! I will survive! / Cause as long as I have the crystal/ I will have the strength of Juggeranaut! / I will always have great adventures, / Being a hero in my spandex / I will survive! I will survive! Hey!
> Hey!

from a Scottish friend of mine

Big Maggie has decided that she needs to get a job, now that the kids have grown up and moved to various parts. So she takes herself down the road to see the doctor for a medical.
The young doctor gets the job done and off away home she goes, very pleased with herself

Her husband says "what's this all aboot caileach"(caileach= Gaelic for old wife)

Och! says Maggie, the doctor told me I have the body of a 20 year old and the heart of a 16 year old.

Ochone Ochone, what aboot your 50 year old ass says her hubby ?

He never mentioned you says Maggie

A lion was lying in its cage at the zoo, licking its tail, when a visitor asked the zookeeper, "That's a docile old thing lion, isn't it?" "No way," said the zookeeper. "It's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why not an hour ago it completely devoured a Frenchman who was foolish enough to get too close to its cage!" "Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor. "But why does it lick it's tail like that?" The zookeeper replied, "Probably trying to get the taste out of its mouth!"

A sheriff's deputy pulled up beside a man dumping rubbish from his pickup into a ditch. The police officer asked, "Why are you dumping rubbish there? Don't you see that sign right over your head?" "Yup Bub, I saw it," he replied. "That's why I'm ah dumpin' it here. Don't it say 'Fine for dumping rubbish?"

no disrespect to Nuns or any Order's of course - it's only humour


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..,.It reads:
SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 KILOMETRES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 KILOMETRES
Suddenly he begins to realise that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! My son? '
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST
FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Brilliant

Websailor

What's the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes!