h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At a couple's first breakfast in their new home, the wife commented, "Look at our new neighbour's washing. It's not even clean," she said. "She must not know how to wash correctly." Her husband looked, but said nothing. The next time their neighbour hung her washing out on the line, the wife said, "Maybe she needs a better brand of washing powder." This went on for about a month, but finally, one day the neighbour's washing was clean. The wife said, "Look at that! Finally she learned how to wash. I wonder who taught her?" Her husband replied, "No one. I got up early this morning and washed our windows."

Late one Saturday night, a cop pulled a guy over. The policeman asked,
"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Why, Officer? Was I weaving?" "No," replied the policeman, "your driving was okay, but the your kangaroo dressed in woman's clothes in the passenger seat gave you away!"

A police officer on the corner in his car, sees a car tun into a one way streeet, and gives chase, and sees a woman knitting while driving, he gets along side, and shouts, "pullover madam", she replies, "no officer, socks for my husband". Later the same day the officer sees the same lady go up another one way street, and gives chase, and stops her, "you again, are you also blind, did nt you see the arrows,"she replied "what arrows officer, I didnt even see the cowboys and Indians."

A bus filled with tourists arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide announced, 'And this is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.' One man in the rear asked, 'When did that happen?' The guide answered, '1215.' The man looked at his watch and says, 'Dang! Missed it by half a hour!'

One day as a man was driving along in his sorts car, he saw in his rear mirror three foot chicken with three legs go past him, so he took off after it, and passed it, and again it went by him, this happened over and over till the man was driving at over 100 mph Then it turned into a farm, so the driver followed it and saw the farmer, and asked, "did you see a three foot chicken,with three legs lad, I herd them, " why the driver said" well there id me, the wife and my son, and we all like a leg at dinnertime." the man said, " gezz what do they taste like" farmer, "I dont know son, we havent manage to catch one yet".

The Joneses were traveling with Mrs. Jones's mother in a far away country when the mother-in-law made a careless remark, insulting the native royal family. They were arrested, convicted, and sentenced to attend fifty boring meetings, fifty coffee mornings and fifty whist drives. To show their magnanimity, the royal family granted the guests one wish they went to these very boring events. "Mrs. Jones, what is your wish?" "Before my boredom, please can I have a walkman so I won't have to listen to what is being said at these boring events." "It is granted." But the headphones were far too small and harldly oovered her ears so she still heard what was being said at the boring events and it was very painfully boring. Next they asked the mother-in-law for her wish. "Before attending these boring events please can I take my knitting with me and her knitting needles were given along with some balls of wool. "And Mr. Jones, what is your wish before attending these very boring events" Jones replied, please can I have my mother in law come along and be the guest speaker at the boring meetings, fifty coffee mornings and fifty whist drives!"

A young man was window shopping with his girlfriend when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelery store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. "No problem, babe," he said, and he said the magic word "acrabadabra" and a ring twice as the size as the diamond ring that appeared in the shop appeared on his girlfriiends finger. A few blocks later, she admired a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said. "Sure thing, honey," he said, and then said the magic word "acrabadabra" and she was wearing the black leather jacket and she also had an extra one which was in a carrier bag. Soon they passed a Mercedes dealership. "I'd do anything for one of those!" she said, pointing to a convertible." and the young man exclaimed: "Do you think I am a genie?"


After Mummy told her how babies get made, Little Suzie fell silent. "Do you understand now?" asked Mummy. "I think so," replied Little Suzie. "Do you have any questions?" "Well, yes. How do kittens get made?" "Exactly the same way as babies." "Wow!" said Little Suzie. "It imust take a lot of wool."

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband
or boyfriend along shopping.
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer
in Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco
Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.. ... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and
a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in
the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the bars of chocolate were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna
look'using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in
here.'

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After applying the "miracle" products, she asked him, "Darling, what age would you say I am?" Luke looked her over carefully and then said, "Judging from your skin, twenty. Judging from your hair, eighteen. Judging from your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hang on!" Luke interrupted. "Let me finish subtracting them as I am having to use my toes as I ran out of fingers"

Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started
annoying him. He was starting to them dreadful bee puns, but his father reprimanded him, saying, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no honey for a month!" Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and to sing out of tune . His father yelled, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no butter for a month!" That evening, as Little Johnny's mother prepared dinner, a spider scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father said no internet for a month?"

An old man goes into a pharmacy?to buy some aspirin.
"Can I have 6 tablets, cut into them in halves?" he asks
"I can cut them up for you," said the pharmacist, but a half tablet will not help your headache much."
"I am 86 years old and I do not get headaches," said the old man.
"I want them to put them vase which has daffodils in to keep them fresh.

Scrabble word game

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

A small man had the window seat on a plane when a tall, Sabertootth looking guy plopped down beside him. After they were airborne, the little guy who saw one of the passengers change into an air steward. This made him nervous especially when a passenger said "The plane has been taking over by the brotherhood of mutants" and they all come from Luton.

"Jim, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk about boring coffee mornings once in a while?""Huh?" replied Jim. Judy moaned, "Look around you. Think of the thrilling committtes you could join. As well as the many endless conferences and conventions." Jim knew this wasn't going to end well and said, "I'm sorry." "You know," Judy continued, "Sometimes I were a book, then at least you would take notice of me." Jim responded, "That's a good idea. Then, every few days, I could take you to the library and exchange you for something more interesting!"

News from the Business World

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps
the building standing. Its called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now
being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The
pigeon can still leave a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker? A crafat.

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the
left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6 What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one
of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't
know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

A man entered a bar with a tiny man perched on his shoulder. The
bartender asked the man, "Who's your little friend?" The man replied, "You don't want to know." After a few minutes, the tiny man hopped down onto the bar, ran to the piano, and began to play beautiful music on the piano just by running across the keys! The bartender exclaimed, "That's the most wonderful thing I ever heard! Where did you find him?" The man replied, "Oh, one night I was walking along the beach when I found this jar. I rubbed it and out popped a genie who was evidently a little hard of hearing, because I asked for a 12 foot piano!"

Two women were chatting. "I feel great today. I started out this morning with an unselfish act of generosity: I gave a stranger a twenty-dollar bill. and a few buns" "You gave a stranger twenty bucks and a few buns? What did your husband say about it?" "He said, 'nothing.' "

A man went to a famous Parisian restaurant with his girlfriend and ordered the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returned with the bottle, poured a taste into a glass. The customer picked up the glass, smelled the wine, and put it down with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton." The waiter assured him that it was and soon a small crowd surrounded the table to convince him the wine was the 1928 Mouton. Eventually someone asked, "What makes you think it is not the 1928 Mouton?" "Because my name is Phillipe de Rothschild. I make the wine." The original waiter blushed and admitted that he poured a Clerc
Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon: it is from the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them in similar barrels, you bottle them at the same time, and even use eggs from the same chickens to refine them. The wines are the same, save for a small distance of geographic location." Rothschild responded, "When you ever use cooling pray for your feet and aftershave for your face, they do not smell the same. Then you may understand the difference a small distance in geographic location makes"

A teacher asked her class to use a sentance with the word facinate.
Child 1 said: A beautiful sunset can facinate you
Child 2 said: A good film can faacinate you
Child 3 said; My sister's sweater has shrunk and she has big thingies, so she cannot button 10 buttons, but can only fasten 8

Q: Why are tall people the laziest?
A: Beause they lie longer in bed.

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.' ?
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child ?
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied. ?
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
"What about Great Grandma and Great Grandpa?'
'Yes.'
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me, no one has kissed in this family for 200
years?? No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here.'

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,'For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

your a darling Kat

keep posting the jokes, I'll get round to some soon

Thanks Prof

your welcome love

One of the attenedees of the boring board meeting would always take his treadmill which he ran on as he might at le might at least get somthing out of it.

Prof