h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

LADY: 'Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then
nothing'.

SUPPORT: 'I will send a technician?over first thing this morning. Leave the computer just like it is, so they can ?find the problem and ?fix it, or change it out with another computer. Give me your address and phone number,?the technician will be there just as soon as he can'.

When the technician got there, the lady showed him the computer and
told him what had happened.

This is the problem?the technician found.
The snake was a 'South African Spitting Cobra'-it's better known as
'Mfezi' the 'Staffie'? (Pit Bull Terrier) of African snake species!!
The technician told her: 'It must have been after the mouse!'
The woman didn't think it was very funny at all.

The global facts ...?
At any given moment:?
79,000,000 people are engaged in meditating right now.?
58,000,000 are contemplating.?
37,000,000 are fast asleep.

> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you
> once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

>
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus.
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What iss butt dust???



What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'???Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

BRITTANY?(age 4)?had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4)?stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

JAMES (age 4)?was listening to a Bible story. ?His dad read: 'The man
named? Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'?

Cup of Tea.?


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a very bad cold.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.


After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the sweetest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the bath water.

Les Dawson: My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects

Johnny Carson: If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

A Polish man drinking a pint of beer, saying that he prefers to have a cup of lemon tea with a dash of vodka.

A Turkish man, drinking a pint of beer, saying that he prefers to have a cup of Turkish coffee .

A British chap, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and then says I prefer drinking tea and cucumber sandwihices. Then goes to the bar and orders earl grey tea for himself and tea with a dash of vodka and for his Polish friend as well as Turkish coffee for his Turkish friend and a large plate of cucumber sandwiches.

A man called his banker to check on his account. "Your finances are interrible shape," said the banker. "Your checking account is overdrawn and your loan is overdue." "Yeah, I know," said the man. "It's my wife. She'sout of control." "Well, why do you let her spend more than you have?" asked the banker. "Frankly," sighed the man, "because it's easier to argue with you than her!"


The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with one of his flock's backsliders, a man whose moonshine habit invariably led to quarrels and theo ccasional shotgun blast. "Ben, can't you see? Not one good thing comes out of your drinking?" Ben disagreed. "Well, maybe one: it makes me miss the folks I'm shootin' at!"

A pilot and co-pilot reviewed their flight plan for their trip back to the USS Enterprise. They were taking a Navy captain along and experience had taught them that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during a carrier landing. Once the captain was strapped in, the pilot turned around towelcome him aboard. "Sir," he asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?" Looking at him with disdain, he pulled opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I haveover 500 carrier landings in jet fighters." "That's good," said the co-pilot, "because it's our first!"

An old farmer had an infected tooth, so he reluctantly went to a dentist in the nearest town. "I ain't never been to a dentist, he said to the dentist as he slid into the dentist's chair, "an' so I expect you're not goin' to hurt, are you?' The dentist replied, "I'll try my best, but I can't promise anything." The old man quickly reached out and grabbed the dentist's elbow where is funny bone is. "We ain't gonna hurt each other, are we, doc?" he asked.

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Asda with her twokids, yelling in Kingon at them all the way through the entrance.The Asda greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. BaQa which means I made a mistake when shopping. Baktag, I feel over into a mud pool. ?' 'I'm neither a Trekkie or a Klongon, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. This is not Deep Space Nine. Have agood day and thank you for shopping at Asda.'

Mildred was so despondent over the death of her beloved Earl after 68
wonderful years of marriage that she decided to join him. She found his old pistol and decided to shoot herself in her broken heart. Not wanting to make a mistake and become a burden to others, she asked her doctor exactly where her heart was. Her doctor said, "A woman's heart is just below her left chest." That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left elbow as she missed due to the fact that she was startled when she saw an ufo land. As the ufo landed a 6 foot kangaroo come out and greeted her in Klingon . The kangaroo zapped her with his ray gun and Mildred changed from a 98 year old to an 18 year old woman. Then the kangaroo zapped himself and then turned into Commander Worf. As they both looked into each others eyes they fell love and Mildred went with Commander Worf to the 24th century.

This is how the joke should have ended: The 6 foot kangaroo came of out the ufo where she fainted. The doctor had been following her since he last saw her. He took her in his car the hospital. The 6 foot kangaroo visited her in hospital where he healed her knee with his medical tricorder. After he did this he zapped her with his ray gun and Mildred changed from a 98 year old to an 18 year old woman . Then the kangaroo zapped himself and then he turned into Commander Worf . As they both looked into each others eyes they fell love and Mildred went with Commander Worf aliensmile to the 24th century.

Another mistake, it should have read as: He took her in his car to the hospital and not he took her in his car the hospital.

Can I borrow the ray gun - 98 to 18 would suit me fine

Websailor

As long as you do not mind going and living on Deep Space Nine.

Hmm! I would have to think about that Perhaps I better learn to live with the wrinkles

Websailor

That 6 foot alien kangaroo thingy must be an imposter, he's lost the plot. He healed her knee when in fact she had shot herslf in the elbow, anyway, kangaroos don't have six feet.

He was a drunk kangaroo who had too much blood wine and missed her elbow and went for her knee, (some people say it was fredulian slip) but once he relied his mistake he took aim with his tricorder to her elbow. He was a strange who turned him self into a 6 foot kanagroo with 6 feet and 6 hands as when he did he was drunk .