h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The archaeologist whose career lies in ruins, the cannonball man offering his resignation only to be told ‘we were going to fire you anyway’.

A teacher asked the pupils to name groups of animals.
Said one: A pride of lions
Said two: A gaggle of geese
Said third: A Murder of crows
Said fourth: A dose of crabs

"How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?
Sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile - and urge the pharaoh to go fishing."

question: is it because I'm ugly

answer: no dear! I have a fetish for brown paper bags so keep it on your head

There was a rag and bone man who's life was in tatters.

A trainee airline pilot who's career was taking off.

A drunken sea captain who's career was on the rocks.

A careless sewer maintenance worker who was up to his neck in it.

A lift operator who's life was all ups and downs.

A fairground worker who's life was a roller coaster ride, but what he lost on the swings, he gained on the roundabouts.

An explosives expert who arrived on the scene with a bang.

A cat loving nymphomaniac who lived her life acording to the needs of her pussy.

A refridgeration engineer who was always getting the cold shoulder.

A taxi driver who made a fare living.

Etc, etc....

The archaeologist whose career lies in ruins.
Tthe cannonball man offering his resignation only to be told ‘we were going to fire you anyway’

Kat, post 301

A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from.

She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.”

Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.

Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.

By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"

Joe: I have a job at a bowling alley
Fred; Ten Pin?
Joe; No, full time

LWhi mate

LW, drop in here mate you'll be welcome
F127730?thread=3848857?thread=&post=70969857#p70969857

Spell mousetrap with three letters.C-A-T

How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters?NME (enemy).

Can you spell jealousy with two letters?NV (envy).

A skinny little man applied for work as a Canadian lumberjack. The boss
took one look at him and told him to get lost. The skinny guy protested,
"At least let me show you what I can do." "Okay," said the head lumberjack,
"see that giant Douglas fir tree over there? Take this axe and chop it
down." The guy took off but five minutes later he knocked on the
lumberjack's office door. "I cut that tree down for you," he said. The
lumberjack looked outside and couldn't believe his eyes. "Where in the hell
did you learn to swing an axe like that?" "In the Sahara Forest." "Sahara
Forest? You mean the Sahara Desert," corrected the boss. The little guy
grinned. "Sure, that's what they call it now!"

Several nurses on break in the hospital cafeteria were discussing past and present boyfriends. A nurse from New York City said, "I've discovered that men are all alike!" A pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and agreed. "Gal friend, men are all ah like, too!"

Jack entered the confessional carrying a turkey. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family on Thanksgiving. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Jack sobbed, "but he refused. Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it's all right for you to keep it to feed your family." Jack smiled and rushed home. Later, when the priest went home and entered his kitchen, he discovered just whose turkey Jack had stolen!

Like it

Websailor

A middle-aged woman
Seemed sheepish as she
Visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning
and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet and when I looked down,
the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink- plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,
Plink-plink- plink, and there were 2p's and this morning there were
10p's !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,
'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the change!

Great stuff

Websailor

Websailor here is another one:

Once upon a time, there lived a green man in a green house which was in a green district. One day while he was bathing, a female friend of his came round to visit and rang the doorbell. Upon hearing his doorbell, the green man hastily wrapped a towel round himself and went to open the door. At that moment, he accidentally dropped his towel and his friend screamed in shock. Still screaming, she ran off and got knocked down when she dashed across a road. She died, the end. What is the moral of the story? Answer: Never cross the road when the green man is flashing.

A blonde ordered a take-out pizza. The clerk asked if she wanted it cut it into six slices or twelve. She replied, "Six! I could never eat twelve slices!"