h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Q. Why did the Borg cross the road?
A. To assimilate the other side.

Q. How do you confuse a Borg?
A. Put the nanomolecular assembler off his left arm and the sonic screwdriver off his right arm against the wall, and tell him to take his pick.


Q. What do you call a Borg playing tennis?
A. Bjorn Borg. Man, what a good back-appendage-shaped-like-a-racket it used to have.

Q. If a Borg is ill, how do you diagnose him?
A. Intel Inside. The 'I am Pentium of Borg, you will be approximated' announcements are a dead giveaway.

Q. Have the Borg had successful careers outside showbiz?
A. As chefs in fast-food chains ('Borg! Borg! Borg!') You ever eaten a Borger at Borger King?

Q. How do we know that the Borg are superior?
A. They have superconductivity. (Resistance is futile).
B. They may have cable, but they don't watch TV.
C. They don't lose their socks in the wash.
D. The females of the species don't feel the need to shop, spend money, or have emotional crises.

Q: How do you destroy the new starship "Titanic" (NCX-48654)?
A: With a Nice Borg!

Q: What say the Borg Queen when they conquer a new solar system?
A: "A Star is BORG"...

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I was thinking of a koala though... couldn't think of a colour

Q. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?



A. A wooly jumper!

First Kangaroo: What has feathers and writes?
Second Kangaroo: A ballpoint hen.
First Kangaroo: Which is the bossiest ant?
Second Kangaroo: Tyrant!
First Kangaroo: What do moose do at a concert?
Second Kangaroo: Make moosic.
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way?
Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
First Kangaroo: Which ant is an army officer?
Second Kangaroo: Sergeant!
First Kangaroo: What do monkeys eat for dessert?
Second Kangaroo: Chocolate chimp cookies

A Koala walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders dinner. After he has finished eating, the waiter brings him his bill. The koala shoots the waiter and heads for the door. The restaurant owner runs over and stops him. "You can't come into my restaurant, eat my food, kill my waiter and then walk out! Who do you think you are?" The koala says "A Koala. Look it up." The owner gets a dictionary and looks up koala. It say, "Marsupial. Eats shoots and leaves".

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."


Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"


The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised..."

I haven't seen this thread for a long time. The last one is typical Yorkshire. Like it

Websailor

sent by a mate, a few Tommy Cooper type jokes.



I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and
says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other
girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That’s good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I’m blond?"

"Yes darling, it’s because you’re blond."

Next day, the girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at
school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D,
but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That’s good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I‘m blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling it’s because you’re blond."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went
swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at
me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D chest at her mum. "Is that
because I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, that’s because you’re 21."

Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?
A: Ice lolly!

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!

Q.Why did the wolf cross the road?
A.He was chasing the chicken!

Q.How do wolves eat?
A.They wolf it down!

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"


Q. What are Wolves favourite football teams
A. Wolves - Wolverhampton Wanderers FC

there's a lot of around here lately, but I it

Websailor

Bloke goes to the doctor says: "I keep getting these really bad headaches." Doctor examines him says: "Your testicles are too far back and pushing into your spine, that is what is giving you headaches. I'll have to castrate you to ease the pain." The bloke thinks no way and goes home, but the pain is so great he finaly agrees to the operation.As he recovers he thinks I'll cheer myself up and go do something. I know.I'll buy a new suit. I haven't had a suit for three years. He goes to the tailors.The tailor takes one look at him and says "You're a 44 regular" "How do you know that?" asks the bloke. "I am a professional tailor, it's my job to know these things." The bloke tries on a 44 regular suit, it is a perfect fit. I know, he thinks. I'll buy a shirt and tie to match. The tailor eyes him up and says "You're a 16 neck." "How do you know that?" the bloke asks. "I'm a professional tailor, it's my job to know that." The shirt fits perfectly. "Shoes, " the bloke says. I'll need new shoes. " "Okay" says the tailor. "I'd say you're a size 9" "How'd you know that?" "I'm a professional tailor, it's my job." The bloke tries on a size 9 shoe, it is a perfect fit. "Underwear," says the tailor. "Why not buy the complete outfit?" "Sure, why not," says the bloke. The tailor says." You're a 36." "No" says the man. "I' a 34." "I'm a professional tailor, take my word for it, you're a 36" "I've worn 34 since I was a child. I've always worn a 34." "You wear a 34 and it'll push your testicles back into your spine and give you headaces.," said the tailor.

subtle

Committee: a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. AW!

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,

"Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So, what's the bad news?"








"You're playing Tuesday."

If Bud Lightyear is so clever, then why doesn't he know he's a toy?

try Buzz



the other tastes yuck!

Man goes to the doctor.
'And what can I do for you?'
'I'd like a foot pump please.'
'Surely a car parts store would be best for a foot pump?
'No, no I've got flat feet.'

I turned into a side street, now I let people walk all over me