h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i don't see how you can see uglyness in personalities, attitudes etc, but not physically..... it's a nice idea, but in reality, i just can't understand how anyone could honestly say they've never seen an ugly person.....

it's all subjective, but can beauty exist if there is no uglyness?

A friend sent me an e mail saying he was writing a speech about me for a formal function. I sent him an email back saying can I read it first to censor it. He sent me an e mail saying no you can't. It was then I realised he couldn't spell the word can't

how did I miss that one ?? I like it



A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns home at her normal time.
The next day at work "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Why?"

I went to a hotel where there was a chess tournament. I got chatting to the chess players in the reception, when the manager asked us to leave. When I asked why, he said he didn't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

There were three guys wearing trench coats on top of the empire state building. The first guy said to the second guy "Did you know that if you jump off the edge and open up you coat that the wind would blow you back onto the roof?" The second guy says to the first guy "Nuh ah" So the first guy goes to the edge, looks back and says "watch this" and jumps off the edge, opens his coat and floats back onto the roof. Goes back to the second guy and says "see." The second guy goes "I got to try this" goes to the edge jumps off the edge opens his coat, falls straight down screaming, SPLAT. The third guy looks at the first guy and goes "Magneto that wasn't very nice."

I agree with Jab. Noone is ugly in body. Only whats on the inside really matters

two real groaners

what goes "ha ha ha bonk"?
a man laughing his head off

who is the chief of the hankies?
the hankiechief.

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

just past to me, a corker!

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."



Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!!"

What is this Harry Potter thing, anyway? Giants? Well maybe, okay, maybe they existed. Unicorns, well, yeah there are stories which could prove their existance. Magic. Okay Well everyone once believed in magic. But a Ginger haired boy with TWO friends? Come on! That is stretching the imagination

Bet there will be moans about that as well.

TWO BROOMS!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they
got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom
broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned
over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust
broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this?





Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . .

. .


"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"


Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gasp

I didn't make that one up, "some" I do just pass on

FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.
SECOND GALIFIYRIAN:
We could only afford half a cup o' cold tea.
FOURTH GALIFYRIAN:
Without milk or sugar.
THIRD GALIFYRIAN:
We did n't even have a saucer.
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
In a cracked cup, with no handle an' all.
FOURTH GALIFYRIAN:
Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of the saucer and sometimes a rolled up newspaper.
SECOND GALIFYRIAN:
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp flannel.
THIRD GALIFYRIAN:
But you know, those were happy days, though we were poor.
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son".
FOURTH GALIFYRIAN:
Aye, 'e was right.
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
Aye, 'e was.
FOURTH GALIFYRIAN:
I was happier then and I had nothin'. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
SECOND GALIFYRIAN:
House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all five thousand of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
THIRD GALIFYRIAN:
Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t' corridor!
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh.
FOURTH GALIFYRIAN:
Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.
SECOND GALIFYRIAN:
We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake.
THIRD GALIFYRIAN:
You were lucky to have a lake! There were fifty million of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road.
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
Cardboard box?
THIRD GALIFYRIAN:
Aye.
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
You were lucky. We lived for three million years in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, a century every day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt.
SECOND GALIFYRIAN:
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty centuries day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
THIRD GALIFYRIAN:
Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked 1000 years a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.
FOURTH GALIFYRIAN:
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work million years a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
FIRST GALIFYRIAN:
And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.
ALL:
They won't!

When it goes cloudy I put the light on and then the sun comes out.

Top 9 Fun Things to do Aboard the Starship Enterprise

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft

8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data

7. Giving Worf A nuggie

6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to make them (haha, free pizza!)

5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals

4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence

3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression

2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can

1. Tribble sex!

Bumper Stickers Seen On The U.S.S Enterprise

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"

9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"

8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"

7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"

6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"

5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."

4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"

3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"

2. "We brake for cubes!"

1. "Wesley On Board!"

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Chicken jokes Stargate Atlantis style!


John, Why did the chicken cross the road?
-A wraith might be chasing it!
-There could be a hot chick on the other side! Get it? Hot chick!!! Oh never mind!

Rodney, Why did the chicken cross the road?
-What kind of a question is that?! There is no reason! It's a stupid chicken, they'll cross anything!!

Ford, Why did the chicken cross the road?
-A chicken crossed the road?! When? Where? How? Why wasn't I informed about this?!

Teyla, Why did the chicken cross the road?
-Is there any purpose to this question?

Bates, Why did the chicken cross the road?
-There's a chicken in Atlantis?! Security breach! Inform Wier, I'll set up a perimeter!