h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I used to be antheist, but you just don't get the holidays

sorry that should have atheist

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.

I was a Buddhist, before I died in july silly thing to do since was going to be a may-fly

WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French-fries and one drink.
The old man then unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut
it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into
two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all
they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The
old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing
everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank
you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who
had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"

She answered


THE TEETH.

A man laid in a hospital bed calls a nurse over and says “nurse are my testicle’s black”?
The nurse replies Mr Johnson, put your teeth in and walks away
A while later another nurse walks past, he asks “nurse are my testicle’s black”?
That nurse replies Mr Johnson, put your teeth back in and walks away
Then a sister comes by and again he asks her “sister are my testicle’s black”?
Mr Johnson, please put your teeth in, so he does and the sister says now! What did you say?
Mr Johnson “Sister! are my tests back?”

A little boy about 13 walking down the road. A car pulled up beside him. The driver wound down the window and said; "Get in the car and I'll give you a Mars bar" The boy cried "Go away, leave me alone" and hurried off. The car caught him up, the man leaned out of the window and said. "Get in the car and I'll give you a Mars bar and a can of Cola." The boy cried "Go away, leave me alone" and hurried off. The car caught him up. The man wound down the window and said "Get in the car and I'll give you a Mars bar, a can of cola and 50p." The boy said "Look Dad, you bought the Skoda, you be seen in it."

nice one


only one I know about them, is how to double the price of a skoda, fill the petrol tank

206 and 207 are brilliant.

Jab

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the man who repairs the washing machine is coming around at 12.00noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, its Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mammy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mammy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around the bedroom screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Swimming pool?-----this is this 854-7039 isn't it?"

Nice one, Prof!


Jab

...should the word 'results' have been in there??

invincibledriver, could you spell pedant for me?

...

i was saying the joke through in my head, and it just didnt make much sense without that key word s'all......


Invincible-nick-picky-pedantic-driver

Jab

There's these two oranges walking down the road, and the big orange turns to the little orange and sez "whatcha doin' tonight then?" and the little orange sez "not tellin' you, you might nick* my curtains"


*steal.

... i considered changing this.... but it just doesn't sound right if i do.


it's the only joke i've ever been able to remember.

Les Dawson Joke;
I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but even the lipstick retreats into the tube.

Everyone has the right to be ugly it's just that some people just take advantage of that right.

Continue off-topic just a little bit more. I've never seen anyone who's really ugly to look at, (ugly minds, attitudes, etc, are another matter). Question of perception I suppose.

Sorry to intrude serious point into Jester Joke, but it's true - ugliness seems to be good fodder for jokes but I really have never seen it.

Please anyone don't tell me to look in the mirror, it's a serious point.


Jab

Jabberwock you sound a really nice Jabberwock, someone who sees no ugliness is a very special someone. However, I have searched for other words to describe this which is my body and there is no other word but UGLY.