h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You can root as much as you can at the greengrocers but you cannot beet a beetroot when it comes to the most nutrient rich root vegetable.

I bought a loaf of home-made pumpernickel bread for a few nickels from Nick my next door neighbour.

My window cleaner who comes from Washington in Sunderland is a young lad who started off with one ladder and a bicycle. He has worked the way up from the bottom of the ladder to the top and now runs his own window cleaning company where he employs several window cleaners and cleans windows for the whole county. He saw a window of opportunity for him when he got a job to wash the windows of the town mayor, since then he has not looked back.

Whenever he faced any problems, he would say that they would come off in the wash.

When an earthquake ruined his swimming pool, he went off the deep end.

When you make the giant laugh, he causes a mirthquake.

Bilbo Baggins was in-vested with a mirth-ril helm and vest by Thorin filled him mirth.

Bilbo Baggins was in-vested with a mirth-ril helm and vest by Thorin filled him with mirth.

Things rarely went right in Muddle Earth.

When he stepped in the mud, he had to soften his stance.

The port was very beautiful. The sailors said it was haven on earth.

After 10 pints I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road. I thought it would probably be safer to make the basket at home.

Mammals rarely marry monotremes, echidna ewe knot.

What is it called when Legolas takes his own picture? An elfie.

I had a Háma and cheese sandwich when I was between a Roäc and a Bard place.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of Curunír. That's what I always say.

I always read the Faramir's Almanac to find the best weather when I ride in the Tuor de France. Sindar-ella greets me at the finish line.

What are you Tolkien about?

I wasn't Tolkien to you!

Then who were you Tolkien to?

A solicitor to his assistant: Could you get me the Phial (file) of Galadriel?

You cannot judge a Took (book) by its cover.

The Fattest dwarf fell into the river in Mirkwood, does that make him a Dive Bombur?

And if he put on the ring would that make him a Stealth Bombur?

And if he's angry he's a Mad Bombur.

Don't get all touchy Fili

Gimli another beer

What's good for the goose is good for the Gaffer

He's all gollum and doom

Mordor Most Foul

Beren mind that I'm Luthien my mind.

Ent misbehavin', savin' my love for youuuu.

I got my gerbil a hobbitrail.

Gimli a smile!

My oak tree is dropping Aragorns.

He's got the wight stuff.

Ferny you should mention Bree.

Do you find that thinking up Tolkien puns is hobbit-forming?

I hope you're not Tolkien to me.

Why? Did you Liston to Muhammad Ali instead?

he said take a dive in the 3rd round - that's first time I've fallen over drunk, drinking cola

I wouldn't last one round in a square ring with either of these guys