h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

the barber of Seville looked like an orange, he'd gone for a tan

Tsar Nicholas painted some strange paintings. No one wanted them, so they were donated to a church for its bazaar of the Tsar's bizarre beaux arts.

The High Flying Trapeze Siblings were devastated when they told the priest they had to postpone their charity show for the church for several weeks.
- Why, what happened, asked the father.
- I lost my Faith, answered her older brother.

The priest replied - hang on in there

Could they regain their faith by going to a Trapeze Monastery?

The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles and now he is flying high on pain meds

The trapeze artist had to buy his own safety equipment. Every Friday he drew his net wages.

I once considered becoming a monk when I was young but I was cloisterphobic.

To stay fit the priest exorcises.

The bridegroom got to the church when he was supposed to. He was at the rite place at the rite time.

Presidents who were plants in a previous life:

Broccoli Obama
Gourd Squashington

Ballet dancers who were plants in a previous life:

MiKALE Baryshnikov
Rudolph NuRYEv

Composers who were plants in a previous life:

Tomato Albinoni
Domenico Scarrotti

World leaders who were plants in a previous life:

Marigolda Meir
Winston Churchili-Pepper
Helmut Kohlrabi
Cornrad Adenauer

I came to when someone said "Skydiving incident, eh?"

I was floating in a pool at the bottom of a circular stone tower.

A coin splashed. "I made a wish," the voice added.

"What time is it?

"Six o'clock and all's well."

is a shipyard the same distance as 3 feet are a yard and are farmyards square ?

I went to a yard sale, but all they had for sale was three feet.

I went to a yardarm sale and came away with 7 hands and 1 wrist

I went to a garage sale but suddenly remembered I don't have a car - silly me