h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A bird with a headache might just migrane south.

Carpenters have to be level headed with no screws loose but if they come down hard don't worry it's because they are aesthetically pleasing people.

As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

My friends and I played a game of football on a pile of quarry rock - we lost on aggregate.

Porky Pig picked up one of the carpenter's tools and said, "That's awl, folks."

I'll sty away till the puns get better

the doctor said I was Impotent, didn't know I was that well known and distinguished

If you want to be well-known, put in a wishing well.

Having too many axe-like tools to do a particular job only adze to the confusion.

Hog farmers are the ones who really bring home the bacon.

The eastern potentate spent money as if it were Emir drop in the bucket.

She told her husband that she was Turkish, but it turned out that she wasn't. When he found out, he called the marriage a misturk.

is urine the opposite of you're out ?

Would that not contradict the old saying about opposites being attractive?

After the lawyer flushed the toilet, it went to the suer.

It's OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.

When the Nomadic tree senses danger it packs up its trunk and leaves.

A Panda walks into a saloon for a bite to eat. He eats, shoots, and leaves.

the bear faced cheek of it

For a while after that incident, the saloon is pandamonium.