h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My friend came to my house the other day and said, "Let's eat up the street."

I said, "That's a nice concrete suggestion, but my teeth can't hard toppings."

I've heard that Jockeys have a real cavalier attitude to underwear.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

"Scrotum," he said as he picked up a book by Balzac.

"So long," said Aida, "Abyssinia."

Urals not forget to Greece the axles first

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Bwfore we start the meal, I thought we could nibble on some horse douches.

Or maybe they're horse duvets. Whatever.

neigh lad, tha' mush bee kidding

I never saw much point in religion. While others took wine at Communion, I drank eggnog. That makes me an eggnogstic.

good onemust remember that one for future use

Better eggnog than a 'bloody mary' - what would that make you?

in school history, the wrong period

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

"As a high school student, Lenin was obsessed with his Marx."

Billy goats have a very high opinion of themselves. They are egoatists.

my school teacher was very clever, sheep herd it all before and cow she could do moths err! maths

The best teachers teach shorter and shorter periods as the term goes by. Each lesson would lessen.

Dead parrot - Polly-gone
Parrot swallowed a clock - Polly-ticks

You lessen lessons you get lessons, but if you have more you get morons.

A female moth is a myth.

Mathematicians are buried in the symmetry.

The farmer used a pro-tractor to get his angles right.

A man had a calculator tattoed on his back because he liked people to count on him.

Before B4 we do B3 and before B10 we must B9.

the constipated mathematician used a slide rule and logs to work it out