h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I see reruns of "The Dinah Shore show," it's hard to believe she's extinct.

The brontosaurus, but I don't think he recognized us.

Terry Dactyl went the same way


Fossil remains though

I'm glad I didn't live way back then. It would have been painful to get a trilobite on my legs . Watching that mesozoic sun come up would have been hard, because I ammonite person.

mastodon tripped and twisted his ankylosaurus, I said he looked a little paleozoic round the gills

If kong is Danish for king, is King Kong called Kong King in Denmark and if Koi is Japanese for romantic love does that make the keeping of Carp as pets a bit suspicious?

I had-dock to bee-lieve it to bee seen, badly bee-haved bees bee-coming in-ewe-briated.

my knee was briated once, even thought it was a newt

This just in: Tsar Nicholas was lead guitsarist for a rock band.

Didn't see that one for a mo

Did you hear of the Danish animal rights group who didn't get to protest about the explotative gorilla film because they kept Kong King out.

during the Falklands "war" one group got it wrong, they broke in to Falkirk zoo, shot all the gorilla's and let the ostriches free

Ewe-nique ewes underneath a ewe tree.

I used to think the national bird of Oesterreich (i.e. Austria) should be the ostrich.

My dentist is looking very down in the mouth
My opthalmist has seen it all before
My window cleaner is going up in the world
My chiropractor is a pain in the neck
My hairdresser is a cut above the rest
My butcher's had the chop
My ..........

The people at the local bakery are sharp cookies.
I don't tell racy jokes to my plumber, because his face gets flushed.
The local mortician had to close because he was dead broke.
I know a fireman who's a natty dresser. He likes to go around in blazers.

I'm on a see-food diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

The angry chef felt sheepish after he had lambasted the mutton.

At shearing time there are some sheep thrills.

A sheep owner who sold his flock for too little was told: 'ewe were fleeced.'

Shepherds are sheepish people who don't like staff meetings.

I went to the farmer's hired hand to suggest that the meadow be renamed as a lea. The next day, I came round to see if my suggestion had been agreed to. The hand said, "I pasture suggestion along to the farmer. He'll make up his mind eventuallea."

When a vampire decided to become a poet, everyone said he went from bat to verse.

sign on the escalator door said lift ?? but it opened sideways

My neighbour has a sign that says 'No doorstep salesmen' - when did you last buy a doorstep.

I never use 'Disabled Toilets' - I prefer the working variety.