h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At the Highland Fling, I would dance the Gay Gordon with Gordon while reeling from the affect of dancing with a member of the Royal Scots Guard as we danced the Reel of the Royal Scots. We had to Rest and Be Thankful for the scrumptious buffet supplied by Mrs Stewart's Jig.

Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant last night?

Battered Fish Everywhere!

I played the bass guitar after I tuna(ed) it up as adjusted their scales where I was staying in Finland. I was snowed under with compliments about how well I played at the guitar Fin-als.

[from 2013]

Theresa Wrin de Forest was a park ranger.
The animals thought her name was stranger
Than it had any right to be. She didn't care.
She had a Constitutional right to arm any bear.

I could never live in a society run by grizzlies. Way too much bearocracy.

Why was Blackbeard chosen to judge the baking contest? Because he was a pie-rate.

Bradley drove in his Ford estate car back to the town of his birth in Bradford in Yorkshire, with his friends Stanley Hope who lived in Stanford Le Hope and Basil McDonald from Basildon in Thurrock and Esssex.

How much to buy that joke ?

£3 mate!

(3 pun'ned) slang

I went to Poland to buy a new battle axe and a war saw

At the North Pole, pole vaulters would leap over the North Pole. They would stand at opposite poles. They would be joined by pole dancers who also end up half the pole, where they would be staring at polar bears who are wearing Polaroid sunglasses.

The trail-bike riders who were part time wood workers riders hit the sawdust trail to meet up a very wise old woman who was a keeper of old saws. They would learn from her to deal with people who have an axe to grind. The trail-bikers would listen to her play the saxophone.

I went to Germany, to by an hacksaw (ach so!)

On Halloween we will not pun. Instead we make candied observations of ghouls who just want to have fun. Witch-ing you a Happy Halloween, I can feel it in my bones.

Halloween was always a time to grab bat some fun.

"holloween" since when has anyone ever seen a solid ween ?

I met an Ian once. He was both hollow, shallow and superficial. So of course we called him hollowian

On All Hallows Eve, Eve Barba-Stelle would greet her neighbours with a merry hallow (hallo) as she noticed that there were paintings in their gardens of the hallowed turf of the Lords cricket grounds. It pleased the lawn crickets and the Barbastelle bats as well as Eve as she is a big cricket fan.

Let's be Frank about the importance of being Ernest that the best places to eat Frankfurters are in Frankfurt and the best places to eat Hamburgers are in Hamburg.

It was the best of times and the wurst of times for Frank and Ernest to buy organic outdoor bred frankfurters for their outdoor back garden BBQ.

When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!