h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

the man asked why is there a train in the sea ?
I said because it's at a whale weigh station

Classic Edward Bergen/Charlie McCarthy:

Edward Bergen: "What's eating you, anyway, Charlie?"

Charlie McCarthy: "Toy-mites!"

Other people find things out from the grapevine. All I get are the pits.

I read the theatre critic from the 'Rave Review' rag who gave the Shakespeare play 'Measure by Measure" a rave view by saying the play "that the performance is far beyond measure the best that I've ever seen.

At the weekly weigh in at the Weight Watchers club who's slogan was 'Way to go!' at the church hall, the dieters were told that it was important to weigh your food portions carefully and you have to go all the weigh in keeping to your weight management by finding weighs and mean using diet exercise, relaxation and diet in helping you lose weight.

After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

Moliere's influence on modern comedy just shows that he was very farce-sighted.

Pocket bread stuffed with pocket bread makes a pitaful excuse for a sandwich.

Miners with illuminated helmets say it makes them feel lightheaded.

A miner found two mineral deposits worth excavating. he had to choose one ore the other.

The geologist said to her colleagues, ““Let’s go behind that rock, I am a little boulder there.”

“A stone mason with a powerful phobia of indoor lighting was accused of misrepresenting the ‘black granite’ he used in a counter top. He was charged with basalt, but when his condition came to light, the charges were dismissed due to lamprophyre.”

The people who charged him that were not gneiss.

I can't eat my spring onions they're still bouncing round the kitchen

If you want to marry me in the Spring, you'd better bring some towels.

In Spring I spring around the kitchen, preparing my potato and spring onion salad.

“I've heard about the rumours that I keep vats of acid at my home, but they're lyes -- all lyes!”

When the rubber market bounced, it was latex news.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humour.