h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When Mickey died, he left his fortune to his dog, who became a Plutocrat.

People said snarky things about Mickey's girlfriend, who always appeared in a Minnie-skirt.

Back in Sicily I operated a typesetting business. As we specialized in italics, all our numbers were crooked. It was a font for the mafia.

Alphonse: good name for a typesetter.

Helvetica the typesetter, shot the Serif when she went back to the Futura but before Helvetica shoot the Serif, he said, 'Helvetica is it me your looking for'?

“I don’t see beds anywhere in this hostel by the sea,” said the Colonel, “among our many orders from the General was to make sure there were accommodations here, he said it meant a lot to him.” “Well, you can sea life is sure kind of slow here,” said the manager, “you don’t sea life as exciting as you do in the city. Many people who live here are all washed up.”

A Bee Born in May: Maybee

Bees favourite flower are Bee-gonias.
Bees favourite holiday resort is Stingapore.
Bees favourite snack is bumble gum.
Bees favourite motto is Bee all that you can bee and always bee positive .
Bees favourite musicians are Sting and the Bee 52's.
What bees do for a living: Cell their honey.

Advice from the sea; always be shore about yourself. Come of your shell and take to coast. Avoid pier pressure and sea life's beauty. Don't get tide down but go and make waves.

All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed, except of the Peking Duck.

I changed my iPhone's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bay-gull (bagel).

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

How do you change tyres on a duck? With a quackerjack.

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.