h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Dogs have updated their list, I'm disappointed with SM! Why don't you head up to her office and let her know...

I told her on the Cat thread thing. She told me to ask Rambeling

*The Elf steps out, holding his sword across Venom's throat*
[N'kai] I'm impressed. Not many people would have thought of that...
*Surveys the room.*
[N'kai] Now listen closely. My name is N'kai. For those unfamilliar with my language, it means 'Eternal Death'. It describes me perfectly; wherever I go, people die. Usually because of me.
You are mercenaries, correct? Don't not. Just answer. Don't worry, I won't kill you unless someone pays me... Or anyone tries anything!
*Glances around, as if daring someone to intervien...*

*crouches in the corner, out of sight (and out of mind)*

(through secure intercom) EVA, program Axe-7, target N'kai.

[EVA] (through secure intercom) Good idea

(to venom through secure intercom) And you thought that Axe-7 was a bad thing. YOur security code please?

[N'kai] Well? Are you mercenaries or not? If you don't have the decency to answer, then I'll just remove a head or two...

[EVA] CV's Security Code has been comprimised. Program Axe-7 activated. Automatic Point-Laser defense systems online. Setting: Maximum Stun level. Target aquired. Firing...

*about 10 point-lasers pop up out of slots in the wall. They fire at N'kai and knock him out.*

Okay N'kai, or whatever your name is, yes, we are mercenaries. What about it? Are you offering us employment? Because your bill will be rather larger than normal, given your pleasant politeness and manners...

*Removes sword*
[N'kai] I thought so. I am also a mercenary, so I didn't want to be too hasty until I was sure. I will not offer you employment, but I could offer you my services...
...And I make no apologies about being unfriendly. It's part of the job.

*deactivates the lasers*

Next time just knock. I'm sure CV's really happy that you were threatening to kill him.

Well, we'll not be doing business with you then. Being impolite to customers is certainly not good for business. You have to be nice to them to keep their custom. Good day.

*escorts N'kai out of the room, tries to shut the door and realises that it's in two pieces*

EVA, get maintaine... oops.

*fixes the door and locks it, activating the force shield around the room as he does so*

Funny really. I mean, can't he read? This is merely our sales and PR department. And it states so clearly on the front page. Oh well. As for an armoury... I mean... well, even the real weapons there are deactivated.

Anyway, we need some clientele.

And I need laser targets .

[N'kai] Excuse me...
*Seems to have bypassed the defences somehow... Fetches a long, cruelly shaped blade he left in a roof support.*
[N'kai] ...Sorry about that...
*Walks around the corner and is gone before anyone can follow him...*

EVA, security map plz.

[EVA] *displays a holo-image*

I want automated secbots at these points.

*points to six places on the map*

[EVA] Security code?

*repeats Venom's hacked security code*

Venom: Sorry about the security code thing, BTW

[EVA] Confirmed.

*Sounds of someone running to the camp very fast are heard outside...*
[Wargamer] Hey N'kai! If you're in there DON'T KILL ANYBODY!!!!!
...
Hello!? Is anyone there?

There you are .

We're all fine, but there's a few things that I'd like to clear up.

Firstly, how did your "pet" dwarf get in here without your help. Secondly, are you hostile towards us. Thirdly, why did you think that we'd get killed by the dwarf anyway, or are you insulting us?

What Dwarf? I did send N'kai to cause some damage, but I told him, in no uncertain terms, that if anyone got hurt he wouldn't get paid... I guess some people never change...

Well, I'm not dead, but maybe you should attack the dogs. We're just mercenaries, don't shoot the messenger. Even if the package was a brick of C752 in your toilet... But this isn't even our base, and besides, that blade on my throat nearly breached the laws of continuity, if you understand my point.

No hard feelings. In fact, to prove it, you can go up to the buffet and pig out on me. *hands him a pass* So, would you like to schedule an appointment for general pranks at the Haunted House, maybe ex-R's upage, and (if RD gets online) possibly the dog house?

EVA, please reset security code via neural input device.
[EVA] Done, CV.
And give Axe permission to access all secure systems should I be incapacitated. Especially program Axe-7.
I have that button in my shoe, you know about that one... Sorry I wasn't around to push it