h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just use the Hitch-Hiker's guide, Krans - it's bound to have some helpful operating instructions

"...The multi-dimensional anti-dislocator is large, multi-coloured, and complicated. It is charactorised bu the fact that no human in their right mind has ever managed to work out how to use it. But in spite of this, it hasn't stopped people from trying. The sheer weight of complication involved with even jtrying to plug it in is enough to cause most lesser humans to suffer from some form of heart attack. And for those who get past wiring the plug (which serves as an initiation ritual to the Galactic Guild of Electricians) there's the operation of the device to contend with. However, should any readers find themselves in a life-threatening situation requiring operation of a multi-dimensional anti-dislocator, the operating instructions can be found here... ..."

What a feeble attempt at humour... and now for something completely different.

I suppose there would be no problem in plugging it in, there is a socket behind the tribe of pigmies. They seem kind of irratable though
*worried glance towards the pigmy 'army'*

We should probably get someone with a good heart condition though, which rules me out since most of my notebooks have warning labels that say they cause such things. i.e. bad heart conditions, parnoia, gravatational collapse.

Hey, which reminds me, any one seen the one that says 'may cause weird temporal distortions'? I think I lost it in here a couple of days/hours/weeks/months er.. whatever

Pigmy army? What army? *looks around to see a half-eaten sandwich in front of the socket*... I don't see any pigmies?

Oh... uh... I can't possibly do it... I have... leprousy... of.. the brain.... yes, that's it...

Umm... I don't know. But I do remember seeing a stapler convention in the East side of the lab. Don't know what that was about.

Er, Guys, remember those temporal distortions...? Those aren't Pygmies - the lab monkies have evolved!

Oh... ok, perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to let the monkeys have free run of the lab on the grounds of animal rights...

Quick! Fix that 4-dimensional stepladder so we can escape!

Erg... so what are you going to do about the hypercylindrical rungs...?

*Picks up plug for multi-dimensional anti-dislocator (hereafter referred to as the "MD-AD") and carefully inserts it into socket on box marked "Mandelbrot Node Quantum Power Source - Emergency Use Only". Gingerly brings out the type of key used for arming nuclear wepons, and unlocks cover for button marked "Do Not Press - We Mean This!". Presses button.*

Er... Why isn't anything happening... Oh.

*Big red light starts flashing on the MD-AD.*

Did I do that right?

But Krans, what did you do wr.... *stops mid-sentence, and walks around the back of the machine to find the pygmies have dismantled it*.... No!... I'm afraid we're going to have resort to the backup plan.... *Njan withdraws a credit-card from pocket, and sticks it into a well-concealed hole in the wall. A retina scanner appears from the wall, and Njan identifies himself. It clicks, and the wall slides back to reveal... the fire exit*


Out, quick, before the pygmies discover we have an exit!

*follows*
hey, this isn't like that pied piper thing, is it

I mean it is kind of dark up there....erm.....maybe the pigmies are aftaid of the dark...erm....

"... *laughs evilly*.. No, children, it's quite alright.. I know it says "Airlock" on the sign, but it's the candy store really! ...."

No, it's quite safe, I assure. It was built back when we were doing anti-matter experimentation, and we needed a quick exit for emergencies. It leads to the canteen, where we would have been able to procure quantities of highly dense and toxic matter in order to neutralise the anti-matter and avert disaster.

[I would like to announce the arrival of Pr. C. Tonks, returning after thuroughly wrecking the offices of BT]
Hi all! Erm, yes, that airlock thing doesn't lead to space at all! No, No, Njan's quite right y'know..

Hay I'm happy to plug in that what-ever-it-is in as I'm in the middle of A-levels.... don't know really why that makes it ok though

It means you're perfectly insane & mad as a hatter...and therefore perfectly qualified to do it...just like me...hate those things...over soon...

However, I'd like to see the end of them...so...

*looks towards the fire exit...*

*"saves" a plate of cheesy biscuits from whaever disaster has/is/will happen & runs towards it after Njan*

Yep, crazy and mad (or doolally as I prefer). Just give me that thing to plug in and I'll be off. Plus I'm also short and so can blend in with the pigmies.

*Looks up from book called "The Complete Idiots Guide to Operating the MD-AD"*

Aha! I think we have the solution!

*Types extremely long and complex subroutine, and presses button marked "Implement". The pymgies explode, plastering themselves all over the inside of the lab.*

I wonder if I should ask BigC for access to a new lab so I can blow that one up witjout disturbing your experiments...

Hang on.. new lab, new lab, new lab... *thinks for a bit*.... *steals Krans's book*... *types something into the MD-AD, waits for it to compile*... voila!... It's programmed to create a new lab. Do I need permission from BigC to run this thing, or can I run it myself?

Okay, which one of you guys reprogrammed the forums?

I knbow, they're annoying. It means you have to click "see newer entries" 6 times before reading. Before, you just waited. We need a button that says "see latest entry".