h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

But Albert died, sad to relate,
And Cat was quite disconsolate.
He spent his days in morbid gloom
And spent his nights in Albert's room

Poor Albert

Whilst attending the wake, the feline didst spake
An eulogy addressed to the bird
The locals awoke as the cat’s words evoke
Sentiments simply absurd.

The kith and kin of Albert Ross
Wept tears of sorrow for their loss.
The cat consoled old Albert's niece,
Whose legs were fab, to say the least.
"Come up and see me in my room,"
And Cat was hooked, as you'd asusme.

Let no-one point a scolding finger
At cat's decision not to linger
And try to find some solace, peace,
Upstairs with Albert's grieving niece

In brief,
some consolation for your grief....



....

This gets better by the day

The cat and Albert Ross’s niece,
Had little time for any peace,
The wake downstairs made so much noise,
‘Twas difficult to maintain poise,
Cat whispered in the niece’s ear,
‘Why don’t we fly to Egypt dear?’

The cat on niece's back then rode.
She managed well despite the load.
At length they saw the famous sphinx,
And stopped to catch some welcome winks.

Not original but fits here:

The sexual urge of the camel,
Is stronger than anyone thinks,
One niight in the height of its passion,
It decided to b*****r the Sphinx.
Now - the Sphinx has a very small a**s,
Which is filled with the sand of the Nile,
And explains the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx's insusceptible smile.

So the cat woke and watched the old camel,
As he humped on an old piece of stone,
And thought to himself, ‘If I’m able,
I’ll eat the thing down to the bone.'

....


the tone of the tale
being silly -
I'm tempted to say willy-nilly,
(don't know what it means,
though it doesn't sound clean)
making out with a stone would be chilly!!




Now stop all this talking salacious!!!
(which partially rhymes with rapacious),
the Sphinx may have feelings,
and in need of Healing,
though this argument may be fallacious.

But the cat – having tasted giraffe
Thought ‘to miss this would be a right gaffe,
I’ll boil the brute, serve it up with beetroot,
With salad, coleslaw and some stuffing

When he'd finally done as intended,
His belly was obscenely distended,

Albert Ross' niece, after dreaming in peace,
Woke and saw the cat's distended belly.
"You silly old goose, you'll just have to reduce,
If you fly with me, plus you are smelly!"

The cat lay recumbent, swishing its tail,
And said to Alberta, “You silly female,
We’re here on our hols – not a whim or a wish,
And I like to partake of the local dish.”

She said, "Partaking's one thing, greed is another,
'Twas living like that that killed my poor mother!
I know it is said that a cat has nine lives,
But you've used up eight and you may not survive."

The cat replied “Go off to the Nile ,
And go catch yourself some carp
Just leave me alone,
As I study an practise the harp;

For cats have a penchant for pure self indulgence -
Ah, look at the moon's romantic refulgence!
It instils the desire to pluck at these strings,
For the Muse of Good Music gives my heart wings!"

The cat slumbered neath the feet of the Sphinx,
And thought of the Egyptian past.
Decided to sell all the tourists cold drinks,
And in Ramadan partake of the fast.