h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Aunt Minnie objected: "You just mustn't mix
A mammal (like cats) with birds in your soup.
Such improper pairings are only for hicks,
Creating deep curses you'll never recoup."

The stiffnecked giraffe took a sip of the soup,
It took a long time to go down,
Said, "Really, I think it needs much more mole,
A spider or two would fill up the bowl,
And some ferret, would feed the whole group."

KL

The mole family sat on a green grassy knoll,
And heard what Giraffy did say.
Alarmed, they packed up, and then raced down their hole,
Effecticely ruining their day.

This gets better by the day
Whatever other folks might say

The mole found lumbicus terrestis lurking neath the ground,
Returned to earth and said "Look what good food I've found.
An earthworm boiled in rancid wine
With toad or frogs is mighty fine,
So If you please and do not mind,
Leave moles and voles well far behind

Lumbicus terrestis? said the giraffe,
It sounds like the back pain
I suffer from, (not 'alf),
With this long neck - but I mustn't complain.
Now where's that wormtoadstew, I'm starving again -
I'm hungry and famished and starving again.

For a voiceless giraffe, this was quite a long speech.
His throat got so dry from uttering it,
He gobbled the soup (For dessert he'd a peach),
Then lay on the grass and he dozed quite a bit.

seeing
giraffes
helps me to
r e f l e c t
on their very great
courage,
in staying aloft,
surrounded
by lions
or just
the cold d e s e r t,
with no
friendly trees
and even less

w a t e r.....


(`oasis' by me)

Badmini - on finding the recumbent beast,
Thought ‘Goodness gracious – what a feast,
The neck alone will last for ages,
The rest will pay my daily wages',
She chopped it up in record time,
And salted it with spice and thyme.

A lady giraffe was passing by
When her dismembered mate she happened to spy.
"Oh horror," she cried, "What fiendish foul guy
Could do such a deed, could slice chop and dice
My stiff necked beloved, and toss him in spice?
Should I find this foul fiend I'll show him no mercy;
I'll gimble his goolies and pickle his percy,
And never again will he sail on the Mersey."

Badmini on spotting a second giraffe,
Thought 'Oh wont this be one helluva laugh
She think I'm a boy, when in fact I'm a girl,
I'll grab her long neck, and give her a twirl.

When lady G met Badmini
It was a double shock,
To find this murderous Madmini
Was wearing a sexy frock.

"Badmini Badmaxi you're bad bad bad!
Unhand my neck you fiendish drek,
I'll stomp your toes, I'll break your nose
I'll bite your knees 'til you're joints all seize,
Badmini Badmaxi, you have made me mad!"

Badmini looked up with a glint in her eye,
You silly great antelope, don’t you dare try,
I’ve a very sharp axe and if you want a round,
I’ll chop off your feet and you’ll fall to the ground.

And she fixed up a protective fence
At giraffe height that morn
And the axe became a money-making racket
Ans some shuttlecocks were invented -
And Badminton was born.

Badmini had a frantic fit,
When issued with a legal writ,
From the British Raj in Poona,
Claiming Battledore and Shuttlecock,
Was invented there much sooner

Where do we go next with this crazy long text,
All the animals seem to have died,
Perhaps we go back to the sun and the dawn,
And why poets are always despised!

All dead? All dead? What's wrong with you Fred?
I'm very much still all alive.
I may seem dead in your poor twisted head,
But see me, hear me, touch me. I tell you mate
I THRIVE!

And on behalf of each giraffe
I'll take on any comers.
At moles voles and cats I'll softly laugh,
I'll eat my leaves and chew my chaff,
And live a lot more summers!

So, back to Albert Ross and bat,
The racist owl and scabby cat,
Giraffes are far too tall for me,
Moles are cuddly but cannot see.
Voles taste good when pickled in brine,
Then slowly sautéed in very cheap wine.
Worm sauce with Italian spaghetti,
Is a fov ‘rit dish in the Serengeti,
Boiled with chilli, mint and chive,
The staple food to stay alive.

So over hill and down the dale,
scooby wagged his wobbly tale.
And in eager thought of bones and meat,
he licked a strangers smelly feet.
For hunger struck and sorrow fell,
the dog who couldn't begin smell,
a cat or rat or chunky chunks,
that dog, he's just a mangy punk.

The sad Giraffe felt scorn bite deep,
No friendship here, no place to sleep.
A scurvy lot, this motley crew,
A clicky lot, no room for new
Char-actors, even though
They stood so high, with room to grow,
But they are mean and will not play.
So the "G" got up,,,and slowly walked away.