h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A beautiful beet was Nell at this time.
If the had eaten her, that'd be a crime.
He kept quite a distance, and tried to forget
How tasty she'd be, but it made him upset.

Poor Nell by this time was really upset
To be gazed at so hungrily by somebodies' pet
Was more than she'd stand for, be damned if she would.
So she rolled her round body to where Albert stood.
"'Ere Albert me darling, give that Bunny the boot,
For his ogles annoy me, not to mention his suit!"

Meanwhile the lone penguin had struggled past
the heavily built, thickset, bouncers at the door
and on the top of the stairs, finally and at last,
he had a full view of the dance floor.

All around creatures, great and small, trashed
some did the boogie or tango, others would jive.
The walzers and pogo'ers crashed, the stroboscope flashed,
a hippo hula hoop'ed as the ultimate celebration of life.

As he struggled down the stairs he happened to glance
at the stage. There in the eery glow of the blacklight
lo and behold, a beetroot was doing a belly dance.
'I need a drink', he thought. At a far off wall the bar came in sight.

The barman to the penguin said,
"Look here mate, you drink like a pig
Your flippers are floppy, your eyes are bright red.
I'll serve you no more as your bill is too big!"

So sadly the penguin stepped back from the bar,
And bleary-eyed gazed at a poorly matched pair.
A big bird and the beetroot, whose dance seemed to star,
And ducked as a rabbit was propelled through the air.

Through the door came a tomcat who said with a tear.
"'Ere Albert, for Gawd's sake, let's get out of here.
It's no place for us travellers, we're better than this."
And to make his point strongly, gave a full throated hiss.

"A case of mistaken identity" the lone pelican said
as he patted the lone penguin on his head
"Ere, I buy you a drink. Look what I found in the loo,
it's a feathery wallet, and a fat one too."
The penguin grabbed the pelican by the wing
"Hang on, mate, there is this very eery thing ...
that swinging beetroot on the stage, over there you see?
It's odd. but somehow it looks kind of familiar to me."
The pelican watched the penguin struggle across the floor
So he turned open the fire brigade's water tap near the 'personnel only" door.
"Yoohoo", he cried as he plunged forward, "com'on Penguin, let's play,
and turn this place into a proper water ballet".

The beetroot, offended, sat out the next dance,
For water ballet was not his best chance.

Now Albert at last came back to his senses,
Took the cat by the hand and together they went
To explore once more in this land with no fences.
They took to the air and did not once repent
Of the life lately led in that stramge circus tent.

The pelican started polishing his saxophone
the beetroot made a grab for the microphone
The penguin floated in circles lazily on his back
blowing a long sad tune on his trumpet

A 'tross and a cat, flying high, wide, and free.
Where will they go next? I'm afraid I don't know,
But they know a small island that's way out to sea,
With palms and some mountains all covered with snow.

"Hey Bert" said the cat
"Why's it so quiet here."
"As to that," said our Bert,
"I have a wee theory. And the beer
That he drank may have helped
Answer the query. "These poets you know,
Are an indolent lot, and I think they're
Too tired to dream up a plot. However, I think
If we don't wake them up, we can eat sing and drink,
And let Fate fill our cup!"

The beetroot breathed in the microphone and lowered her voice
The Fluffy Pink Rabbit created some background noise
by beating a brass stick agains a radiator
Nell puffed up her chest the size of a gladiator
A sudden silence descended on the scene
the multitude of animals on the floor stood transfixed in the blacklight's gleam
the calming sound of water tapping at the rim of the stage
nearly touching the noses of Nell's pump of purple leather framed by frilly white lace
of her long underwear that peeped out beneath her cocktail dress
with a miniscule hanky she wiped off her brow the pearly drops of sweat that appeared under her head dress, a wig, made of the purest eiderdown and held together by hazel twig

Slowly she raised the volume of her voice to a loud high scream
that cut in mid air right through the tune of the saxophone's sweet daydream
Then she stopped and smiled and breathed down the mike:
"This next song is especially for my friend, who is not a pike
It's called Mr Al Batros
He flew so high so high"

He thinks to himself-- our Bert-- alone,
In a somewhat mordant baritone,
That yes, while he floats on a balmy breeze
Far above Earth's animal sleaze,
That he still can't escape Mother Nature's demands
That to live he must eat, so reluctantly lands.
Over there's a Macdonald's, that should do the trick,
A few quarter pounders should put oil in his wick.
So successfully sated he then sallies forth,
Takes off, circles slowly, then resolutely flies North.

"It's lonely up here,
In the far northern skies.
No one to bring cheer,
No family ties.
I talk to myself.
There's no one to hear
On this lonely ice shelf."

"I think I'll go back,
Have a look for the cat.
I'll pop into his shack,
Have a nice friendly chat."

So Bert took to the air, and,
With the wind up his tail,
Soon was back in the old land,
Giving Tom Cat a hail.

But the cat was not home.
Bert thought,"Dear oh Dear!
I forgot that cats roam
At this time of the year."

"So I'll just leave a note,
To say I was here."
And on it he wrote,
Come to the pub, I'll shout you a beer!

As the sun sinks slowly in the west
It seems we must put this sad saga to rest.
Through many strange miles
With not a few smiles
The 'tross and the cat
Showed us where it was at.
With tricks scatalogical
And tales allegorical
They taught us this lesson
In life you must press on
Life's not so mysterious
JUST DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS!

And life tipped his hat, and slept until dawn,
When he got out of bed, for life must go on....