h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Then night came along, with its moonbeams of silver.
A thief came upon them, the teapots to pilfer.
He took all the silverware, ate a nice meal,
Not knowing the silver was just stainless steal.

The cat, as cats do, slept lightly that night,
And woke to the sight of the thief with his sack.
His snarls woke the 'tross and they leapt on the back
Of that thief,('twas a rat) who fought a good fight,
But the inevitable end to this fractious foray,
Was a breakfast of rat, a good start to the day.

The rats in the neighborhood all were chagrined,
For all were akin to the thief.
Their late-night discussions were like a great wind.
They sent far and wide for relief.

An army of rats of gargantuan size
The rat leadership would soon realize.

There wasn't rat in the county, 'tis said,
Who didn't sign up to avenge their friend Fred.

The cat sat sad with old friend Albert Ross,
And pondered the ways of the world.
"To eat we must kill, this sad fact we can't toss."
And he sighed as her napkin he furled.

(We must one day decide on the sex of yon cat.)

"We are not without guilt on the death of the rat,
But our own lives need food, you can't argue with that,
So we'll go now, I hope that's not rude."

The rat went to heaven, and pleaded with God
To be sent right back as a llama named Rod.

A llama named Rod
Was a poor sad sod,
Who wandered the world in a dream.

A strange longing for cheese
Made him weak at the knees,
And big birds made him feel
He should scream.

He feared armadillos
For their peccadillos,
And drank all his on the rocks.
He lusted for poodles,
Of which there were oodles,
But could always make do with a fox.

He studied the habits
Of rubicund rabbits,
And ogled some ossified otters.
He dated some weasels,
Thereby catching measles,
And now to the tavern he totters.

A naughty small brat
Takes some straw from his hat,
And piles it high on his back.
The llama says, "Boy,
Do I look like a toy,
Or a camel? Just go away, Jack!"

Now a llama, you know,
Likes to put on a show
Of being a quite special animal.

But though no hump's on its back,
To a young brat like Jack,
It looks very much like a canimel.

Now the llama's pajamas
Were just like Obama's.
They featured a red silk design.

Abd so young Jack stole 'em,
To put on his golem,
While llama was trying to dine.

The llama's pajamas
Made the golem quite solemn.
So just for a laugh
The cat slashed them to chaff.

Then in quick succession
Wrapped the golem in hessian,
Dipped it deeply in tar,
And lit a nice fat cigar.

"My work here is done,"
Said the cat,"And what fun
Can be had when you act like a cad.
Ah! what evil is left for a cat that is bad!"

His eyes were still gleamin'
When up popped a demon
Who said, "Good sir cat, I've a mission.

For evil you're known,
And my boss wants to own
Your soul. Tell me, what's your position?"

“My position my friend,” said the cat with a grin,
“Is neither your business of right,
Of the nine lives God gave me, I still have eight – maybe,
So get lost, get out of my sight.”

“My gender’s been queried, of which I am wearied,
Don’t they comprehend reincarnation?
Let me tell you my friend, tis a far distant end,
Before I see eternal damnation.”

The demon grew mad,
But no soul could be had,
So he went to the and said,

"That cat may be mean,
But he's really not keen
His soul to give out til he's dead."

The Devil fetched the demon a blow
To the side of its fiendish head.
"You fool, you clown, You surely must know
That a cat has nine lives 'til he's dead.
Nine lives mean nine souls, so surely you see
That a couple or more can be spared.
See the cat, have a chat, maybe offer a fee,
Remember, Evil is meant to be shared!"

Evil may be shared, it's true,
But not so everywhere.
And when it finally comes to you,
Evil folks don't share.

The cat in a corner sat ,mumbling lowly,
Thinking its dark thoughts, carefully, slowly,
Felt the Devil and Demons were circling its head.
Its nine souls were aquiver, ashaking with dread.
"I must talk with Albert," thought poor shivering cat.
"If there's some place of safety, he'll know where it's at".

The cat saw a light in the tunnel ahead,
And said to himself, "This must mean that I'm dead."
But lo and behold, 'twas a chariot, steered
By a large liv'ried toad with a tree on his head.