h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In the tree were three birds
Namely, Doh Ray and Me.
They sang songs without words
And were something to see.
They were red white and blue
And had stars in their crests.
Round the toad's head they flew,
Then went back to their nests.

"Imperious Poobah's the name," said the toad.
"I've orders to take you six miles down the road.
A desert oasis awaits you, my friend.
I hope that your troubles will be at an end."

Troubles, shmubbles, said sadly the cat.
Six miles down the road, (sob) is that where it's at?
Oasis? Good Gracious! Whatever is next?
Some more perverse verse in this terrible text??
To the birds he then said, in a querulous tone,
Have you seen old Albert? He's left me alone
For too long now,I'm feeling quite down,
And I'm going along with a fat foolish clown
In a Grand Poobah's garb (where'd he get such a dress?)
And I'm sure I will end in another fine mess!

The toad had a heart that was really quite kind.
His scouts found the albatross (out of his mind),
And furnished them both with a very fine dinner.
The bird was quite tired, and quite a bit thinner.

But an albatross, thin like a trim racing snake,
Can eat quite a lot at one sitting,
So considered of what it should first of partake,
And thought ‘toad-en-crout’ sounded quite fitting.

The toad went and gorged on maggots and flies,
With mosquito souffle for dessert.
He was of a really gargantuan size,
And yet he was also alert.

Albert Ross, as you know, has a large appetite
And would eat whatever he fancied.
The toad caught his eye, a thing of delight,
So he ate it, though it was rather rancid.

He lay back and he burped as the crumbs he upslurped,
And felt he had done what he should do.
Round his bed three birds fluttered and happily chirped,
Now released from that loathsome toad's hoodoo.

A dragon that slept in a dungeon below
Awoke, from the toad's magic spell.
Albatross pudding her favorite dish, so
She stalked Albert Ross by his smell.

Ahh! Dragon. Poor dragon
Released from its spell.
Enticed from its lair by the albatross smell.
Did not know of the big bird's enormous big beak.
How it swallowed big lizards each day of the week.
And it followed the fate of so many another,
Down the neck of the guzzler (my sobs I must smother.
I quite fancy Dragons, for 'trosses my feelings are somewhat ambivalent). "Perhaps she'd a mate Paul?
Or some such equivalent?

The dragon's six brothers came out for the fight.
The dragon and albatross fought all the night.

Ahh! poor foolish dragons, if only they'd read
The 'Saga of Albert Ross' they'd have stayed safe in bed'
The bird has a black belt in carnivorous Kung Fu.
He soon had those drags in a succulent stew.

The downside of big meals was easy to spy:
The albatross soon became too fat to fly.

Now Albert you know, was not really a dunce.
He could discharge his cargo, two ways at once.
So he lightened his load to a flyable degree.
And took to the sky, 'twas a great sight to see.

But back on the ground, all was far from well,
And the onlookers soon were aware,
Of tons of half-digested dragon remains,
And the stench of it stifled the air.

But aloft and on high
In the butterfly sky,
Our albert was smelling no pong.

We all leave our mess behind.
It's normal for animal kind.
It makes possible our thrum, and our song.

On, into the sunset flew Albert, serene,
Not knowing those clouds up ahead looked quite mean.

Now an albatross lives on the wing, it is said,
And any new danger caused a bell-ring in his head.

His eyes finally spotted a sight that was frightening:
The cloud up ahead was lit up with some lightning.

With his bells ringing loudly
Our Albert sailed proudly
Through some loudy electrical skies.

While the lightning flashed brightly,
With his sphincters closed tightly
The big bird was not bothered by size.

Though the storm seemed so mighty
And the lightning so lighty,
He flew on, brave of heart, Life his prize.

The vortex ahead was a much different matter.
Tornadoes are scary and full of great clatter.