h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

AH CWAP! Said the A'tross I can't best Ma Nature,
I'm going back home, where the weather don't hate ya!
Back home with my pal, Cat.
That's where I should be at,
But the dread 'pall' on my life will no doubt still be cruel.
Yet I'll dodge all these low blows, old Bert is no fool!

The cat was pleased to see old 'ross,
But hid hiss pleasure well.
For cats must always be the boss
As many a tale will tell.
But he catered to the big birds needs
With kippers and cod and sweet seaweeds
And a napkin from a flash hotel.

Bert was sad and down at heart.
He felt empty, tired, torn apart.
Deserted, bereft, and deadly bored.
He missed the skies where late he'd soared.
He missed the travelling down wild trails.
The fights, the feasts, the gusty gales...
But then, a little bit of peace felt good.
And the warmth of bird-cat brotherhood.

They made a comfy home in a tree,
And will have more adventures eventually.

As Albert and cat settled down for the day,
A wandering woodsman happened that way,

The poor woodsman's name was Arazzamatazz.
He worked in a hat shop, liked checkers and jazz.

But as hats made of wood, were in poor demand,
And for cheating at checkers, he was out on remand,
So he took to the woods to resume his old trade,
For in chopping up trees, there’s good dosh to be made.

So as Albert and cat were about to relax,
Their peace was disturbed by the sound of an axe,
Old Albert looked uffish and said with a squawk,
“I said trees were dangerous, you stupid old dork.”

"That man's made of tin," said the cat. "This must bode
That a kiddy named Dor'thy will come down the road."

"And not just that nymphet, I would have you know,
But that yappy damn dog, that mangey Toto!"

"It's not them I fear," said the cat with a twitch,
"but the one who's pursuing them, namely the witch. "
"Witch?" Albert said. "Oh, don't worry 'bout that.
She's bound to be nice to you, since you're a ."

A cat I may be
But 'familiar' I'm not.
If she comes near me
I'll be off like a shot.

A woodsman, a witch
And a mangy old dog,
We’ve only just ditched
That revolting old frog,

The pair in the tree were not pleased to see
Those three crazy creatures
And young Dorothy...
And dog.
The woodsman, the scarecrow, the courageless lion
The girl and the dog in an orderly li'ne.
Spat the cat, with a hiss, much better than this,
Would be....
A frog.

The frog looked up from the bog with bewilderment.
"What care I of these creatures, with their off-kilterment?
I only care about bugs I can swallow."
He jumped back in the pool, in the mud to wallow.]
The witch wasn't there, and the girl was a bore.
The cat and the albatross were as before.

So pusscat and Alby were off on their way,
A new kind of adventure, a new different day,
But there in their eyes then astonishment shone,
For King Midas was there, and all made of stone!

"Is he an Olympian?" pussycat said,
"Crushed by his gold medals til he was dead?"
"No, he's a mummy," Albert replied.
"Spells put upon him, and thus petrified."

Off to one side, from deep down in a ditch,
A cackle was heard! Could it be that damned witch?

It could, yes it could. We don't need to assume,
Because, peeking out from the edge was her broom.

"Oh that wicked old wich of the west"
Said Alby "I'll show her who's best,
We'll steal her red shoes,
Then we'll fill her with booze,
And we'll take off her horrid black dress."

Now a naked drunk witch is a sight to behold
And Alby and Cat stood aghast.
But a witch in the nuddy is no fuddy-duddy
And waving her hands in a manner most bloody,
She gave our two lads a right blast.