h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The friends, homophobic, down to the rat,
Stared wide eyed in total disgust,
While the leer of the depraved and randy old cat,
Eyed them all with a look of deep lust.

"There's always a first time,"
Cat said with a purr,
"For things that you haven't yet tasted.
You might even find that it's what you prefer
And rue all the time that you've wasted."

This is getting decidedly depraved!!!!!

“Interanimal sex, is always the best,
With those grounded or them that doth fly,
Don’t worry ‘bout gender – just go on a bender,
Have you fondled an Albatross thigh?”

A train whistle blew at a station nearby,
And a circus train stopped with a clang.
Some men in white coats grabbed the cat, said "Goodbye,"
And ran back as the cat shouted "Dang!"

Alberta flew next to the train as it left,
Demanding to know why the cat
Was kidnapped. The answer left her most bereft:
In sideshows, bigendered cats were where it's at

The cat viewed the scene through the bars of its cage,
As Alberta fed it some squid,
The rest of the animals flew into a rage
When they saw the next thing that they did.

Oh, what kind of life will our poor cat endure
In a circus that profits from freaks?
The cat will be famous at first, that is sure,
Then later be one of the geeks.

But the Albatross using its very strong beak,
Gave the padlock a mighty great thwack,
They flew off to the Scillies, where they stayed for a week ,
And to England they never came back.

But in mid-Atlantic
In an action quite frantic,
The Yanks forced 'em down, sad to say.
The cuffed hands and feet
They were given a suite
At Hotel Guantanamo Bay.

Oh lord. Golly gosh!What can happen from here?
If they're treated like Hicks,
The charge will be nix.
They'll just hold them for many a year!

The prison might smell,
but they shared the same cell,
And the bars close together were not.
The cat hardly ate,
And was soon in a state
Where he'd fit through the bars (what a thought!).
One dark Easter night,
The two made their flight,
And were soon heading for the Azores.
What will happen next,
To delight or to vex
The cat and the 'tross we adore?

Keep it going - I don't have time to add anything today, I'm afraid.

After weeks of sweet rest
They grew back to their best
In that hideout that no man dare name.
Suffice it to say
That it's quite far away
From the 'States' and the old Spanish Main.

Then one night while drinking
Cat got to thinking,
"How boring this Shangri-La is!"
He looked at Alberta,
Not willing to hurt her
And suggested they fly to Cadiz.

Albatross was willing
"It does seem quite thrilling"
So off to Cadiz they all flew.
Through storms and fair weather
The three stuck together
'Til Iberia came into view.

Has anybody put all this rubbish about the cat and the albatross together?
To date it is longer than The Hunting of the Snark - and 'yes' I can recite the entire thing.

How do you do that P B ??? I can't even remember the poems I wrote myself!!

The lizard sadly sat,
He felt he was deserted.
They'd gone, the bird and cat.
He'd tried to be inserted
Into the poem, to know the fame
Of being a comical creature,
But now no-one will know his name.
Larry Lizard will never feature
In the epic, the saga, the glory.
His exploits will never be rhymed
In this never ending story.
Alas! His advent was illtimed.
He slowly crept beneath a rock,
Sighed, "I've let that pair defeat me.
I surrender, I am past all shock.
If they want to they can eat me.

IT SEEMS TO BE THEIR THING!!!

The Lizard laid upon the deck,
Stretching legs and straining neck.
The cat did not quite like the scene,
In fact it found it quite obscene,
Lounging lizards - tall and sleek
Dressed from top to toe so neat
Need best be made into small pies
Boiled, grilled and simmered then deep-fried
Beat them hard against a wall
Strain and feed to dogs – that's all

The lizard, in meditative mood
Reflected on the feline fool.
He wondered what cat tastes like stewed.
It would likely taste fair cruel.
"Besides," he thought, "it's not my thing
To eat a cat, or chew a wing.
I do not need such fuel."

So, facing a difficult confrontation,
The cat felt the need for some contemplation,
It retire to the top of the tallest mast,
And wondered if it would be better to fast.
“After all, I have eaten ten fish and a rat,
More than enough for a very fat cat,
I’ll forego the lizard soufflé for today
And just hope the reptile gets out of the way”.

Atop the mast in meditation
Cat felt enlightenment descend
He rued his inconsideration
And vowed that he would make amends.
He'd be a guru to the needy
With love divine improve their plight
Stop being selfish, being greedy,
Cat had finally seen the light.

Alberta Ross fell flat on her back,
And waved her webbed feet in the air,
“Oh cat, you daft feline, I do so despair,
I think that I’ll give you a thwack.”