h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

>>So I will lie to avoid rows<<

I don't lie (often) but just go quiet and agree whatever. Ms Stress is not one to pick a row with
(she's descended from Grace Darling).

I'm sweetness and light. I'm lovely. I'm a pussy-cat. (And NOT because I rip the heads of bunnies for fun).

I'm not descended from Grace Darling though.

""To what extent do lies undermine a relationship? ""

does my bum look big in this??

YES!!!NO!!

I've been waiting 50 years for an excuse to say that - it took the first 18 months for me to learn...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z0rRp9B_5g

Yeah. Right.

>I don't know what to do with a lie. I can't process it. <

What you can't process people being human?

Obviously not.

As I said in the OP, I fully accept I'm the mad one here. I'm not even that good at reading fiction.

I started a thread about the C4 series The Hotel....dunno if you've watched any of it..but I think it is a wonderful portrayal of fact and fiction interacting in the most uncanny way. I think its absolutely brilliant. Have a watch if you fancy it.

Anyway good to know I'm not the maddest here

Not by a long shot, Effers.

do these trousers make me look fat


No!!! your bad diet and lack of exercise makes you look fat

Ben,
it smells a little of control issues (not that I don't have that, BoB forbid ). Could that be so? Then of course, is the next queation, why would you feel you need to have control over everything? ( I can't see why not..)

You ask why lie about little things?

And as I follow the thread, the little things might be so un-important that you have don't even have to say the truth about them, but it's very important not to hurt someone.

Now, definition of "hurt" is different - for one it is to be told a lie, for the other it is to be told "you are not perfect".

And for me, sometimes one hurts more than the other, sometimes the priority changes. It depends. Usually, I prefer not to be hurt by being told I'm not perfect (or good enough, even). And sometimes, when it's a behavior that annoys and I could change, in the long run, it would create a quiet, suppressed grudge if I don't change, and that would be worse than not knowing I was wrong.

Milla I didn't really understand your post and I read it through about three times.

Also Ben has made it clear that it is a cognitive problem.

I think the small lies that smooth life over can be annoying sometimes for most of us..but if we are able to empathise with the person, in the sense we could imagine ourselves sometimes telling small lies, it really helps. If you can't, it must be incredibly difficult to deal with.

It's an intereseting take on it, Milla. I'm certainly used to ruling my own roost having been single for so long, and the age difference means it's easy for both of us to assume I'm "older and wiser" when a lot of the time I'm just older. I like to think I'm fair, but I'm probably more crabby more of the time than I realise. (You'd have to ask Z about that).

As I said, this isn't me whingeing about Z. It disrupts my friendships far more than it disrupts my marriage - we have an interest in working this through, but with friends it's easier just to move them from friends-I-trust to friends-I-don't-trust without raising the issue with them. I can and do still enjoy their company, I just no longer believe what they say.

Ben

Anyway you are going the right way about things - communication. And
as you say ultimately it is about trust

>>I just no longer believe what they say.<<

I always believe what people say in the sense that they said it.

It must be weird knowing that most people are usually telling the truth, but occasionally may embellish or tell a small lie..but you have to put them in two categories..all belief or all disbelief..and you can still stay friends with people about which you disbelieve everything they say.

I simply can't imagine being able to cope with that.

YOu are right, Effers. It's a mindf. I'm pretty good at acting "as if" I believe them. Which is another form of lying I suppose. Most of the time it doesn't matter though, does it. If someone says "Thai food's my favourite" then what does it matter if they are being polite or lying, and what does it matter if you believe them?

It's more that I assume anything they say COULD be a lie rather than assuming everything they say IS a lie. So everything goes in a "not proven" box in my mind rather than into a "pants on fire" box.

It's annoying when it's your boss though, and every single thing's in the "not proven" box.

B

Crikey it's scaring me just thinking about all this stuff too much. I can get all poncy and postmodern about it to do with art and philosophy..but when its a real person in this situation...I find it frightening...you're now touching on my mental buttons because it fascinates and appalls me.

>"Thai food's my favourite" then what does it matter if they are being polite or lying, and what does it matter if you believe them? <

See it's the little things that count between friends. I loath this idea of polite lies between friends..I don't mind the ocassional 'Do I look less attractive these days..with a few more wrinkles?' lie..that's cos they love you..but if I'dsuspect every mundane thing..I simply couldn't cope with such a person...especially not about something as fundamental as FOOD.

I'm incredibly fussy about stuff like this...(but that's a whole kettle to do with my problems.)

Right I'm off my tea and a glass of some poncy Italian red wine I splashed out on...TR UE

Maybe I should just embrace the pomo....